amid the whirlwind
of absolute calm
amazing surrounds me
and i dance along
velvet sky overcomes me
as winds rock me to sleep
in this comfort that holds me
o'er canyons so deep

because i havent yet found words of my own...i'll just use some which ive heard recently to say a little of my mind for the moment.

may our standing ask permission
to be a kind of benediction
to a love we know is bigger than ourselves
the spirit and your witness
is bearing light upon our weakness
giving weight to what we cannot see above
we come with what we are
we come with what we've done
we come with what we are
we are a beginning
in faith we look to comfort
she is laying her old hands
upon our souls as we discover
we are waking more to hope
your commited celebration
is part of our salvation
holding onto what we know
we cannot hold alone
because we are not that strong
sometimes afraid of what we've done
we are not that strong
but we are a beginning
we are a beginning
pray for the bravery
to act upon the kindness of forgiveness
and the mystery of clarity sometimes
mercy is grateful to go under all our failures
thanks be to Christ for severity
that's kissed us on our cheeks
may our standing ask permission
to be a kind of benediction
to a love we know is bigger than ourselves
the spirit and your witness
is bearing light upon our weakness
giving weight to what we cannot see alone
because we are not thatstrong
most times afraid of what we've done
oh we are not that strong
but we are a beginning...
~Sarah Massen

dear car,
please stop eating alternators. its unhealthy for you and unsafe for me.
getting frustrated,
your driver
--

dear jen,
thank you for opening the shop without me. when i asked you to, i had no idea how needed it would be.
fashionably late,
the barista

ps-i dreamed you got to the store at 3:45am. i told you to show up earlier..but not that much earlier. im glad to know it was only a dream.
--

dear brother,
thank you for offering to take me to work this morning. your attitude about waking up at the same time as the sun makes me feel good.
much love and gratefulness,
the beccasister
--

dear grandma,
today is the best day for oyu to not be a morning person. thank you for the use of your car.
love love love,
becca

2:05PM
"i wanna dance...i wanna move around the room just like a woman in a trance..."

last night at my church groups' christmas party held in a beautiful old house with marvelous flooring and molded walls in the older downtown area of augusta we learned to swing dance..mostly shag. it was the most enjoyable party i can remember, realy.

dancing made me realise a lot of things about myself and many other women in our culture that carry into life away from the dancefloor..well..i already knew them, but it showed them to me again in a light i hadnt realised.

first of all, the guys ask the girls to dance..the girls wait.
that in itself, is a marvelously freeing feeling for me as a woman, though i know the concept takes a lot of guts for some guys.

further into the night, when my partner, jonathan, and i were being shown a new step..chad, who was teaching us, had to keep getting onto me for trying to lead. i realised that through most of the night up till that point, i'd been trying to lead these men through the steps as i could remember them..instead of letting them do their job as the male dancer.
i know that i do this all throughout my life..lead when i should let men lead in things. my friend, daly, helps me realise this constantly by practically running over me or beating me up if i dont wait for him to open doors. (men, take note...learn to do this insistantly for the ladies you spend time with)

i think dancing..real dancing..should be a bigger part of growing up (as in, where i am now in life) i didnt understand that till last night. not only does it teach me what it means to follow, it teaches you to be a bit more confident and carefree about who's watching, because its just that much fun.


*added sunday evening*
10:05PM
further thoughts on dancing...

my always wanting to lead is similar to our relationship with God.
yes, i can live life leading myself and hoping god will follow, but its a lot more fun and freemoving if i just relax and look to him for direction. thats EXACTLY how it works with dancing. sometimes i had no idea what jonathan wanted to do next, but i just went with whatever direction he turned me and we did some pretty amazing things.

im moving into a house!

well..im living in a house now, but its not mine at all.
my wonderful friend jen an i started toying with the idea of moving into an apartment or something together..both of us are currently living with others (she at her parents', me at my grandmother's) and realy want some privacy and freedom and a place we can feel at home in. we looked at a couple of things last week and then a friend of ours told us of a lady she knows who has a house for rent. we checked it out and fell in LOVE with this opportunity.

the house is three bedrooms (though one room has no closet..so its more of an office) and one bath with lots of windows and its set back in some trees...almost feels like its in the woods. it comes with all the applicances and the ower is paying for the water and trash pickup. all we have to pay is electricity and rent (rent is 550 a month)
not only all of this, but she's working a lot on fixing it up and said we could paint as long as we LET HER BUY THE PAINT! hah! how great is this?!
since agreeing to rent it (with no lease time-period!), she's told us all sorts of things she has that we could use..a small kitchen table and three chairs (that we can paint!), an awesome antique desk, a wingedback chair, some curtains, and she found a loveseat and couch at goodwill this afternoon for $100 and called to see if we wanted those too! she offered to buy them, truck them over to the house, and let us pay them off with rent whenever we can afford to! this woman is an absolute BLESSING!
she said we could start moving in at the first of the year.
we're going to start out just the two of us, and perhaps take on a third housemate to lessen the payload if/when we come across a girl we could live with who wouldnt mind to lack of a real closet (there's furniture one can use in place of these sorts of things)
anyhow...i'm realy realy realy excited about moving into a house:)
oh..another cool thing: the yard has lots of trees, thus we wont have grass to cut:)
AND its about half as far from work as where im living now...maybe even closer.

now hearing: ceremony of carols.

it is a bitter-sweet thing to remember..i am thrilled that we were given a chance to perform that work..but disapointed that it wasnt its best and that it was of no fault of our own, realy. nothing from last year can be changed, though. i hear exciting things developed this year and are continuing to blossom.

ive come to a point at which i believe i need to move to a place that is more mine. various factors have lead me to this and ive got a good prospect on it that i could give an answer on any day now...ive just got to figure out a good way to tell this to my grandmother without sounding like i am not absolutely and incredibly greatful to her for allowing me to stay here indefinitely thus far.
the last thing i want to do is to hurt her feelings or make her feel as though she hasnt done enough to help me feel at home here.
im just at a point where i believe i can afford what i've run across, and ive got a friend who also feels the incredible urge to move into a place of her own at the same time. the timing lines up.*
i hate breaking news to people...

*(i typed "kubes" instead of "lines" at first because my right hand was moved over one step to the left..hehee)

unrelated..do you know how some people have the ability to make you crazy and they probably have no idea? yeah....

i miss those stairs
a hiding place
so near being found
but the finding was so unlikely
alone and secluded from everyone
openly pouring forth tears for anyone to see
unseen

well..its been forever and a day since i've said anything here....or maybe just under a month.

of note: i was promoted to a manager position at work. this included a pay raise and the big word that is spelled R-E-s-P-O-N-S-I-B-I-L_I-t-y (or something like that...)
most of you already know this. ("you" being the few who actually read this thing when i actually add to it)

I've had many visitors here as of late.
the weekend following thanksgiving my brother and michael springstead stopped in for a couple of days to stay up too late singing and playing music..and to eat thanksgiving food.
this past monday my mother and 9 year old twin sisters came to stay for a little short of a week, minly so my grandmother could take us all to see the Nutcracker on thursday evening. the twins are interested in ballet, and grandma used to take me every year when i was little and lived here before..so..it was good for all. my opinion: the first act is a lot more fun to watch than the 2nd act. act one tells a story through drama and is almost like a play.but with no words..act two is just a bunch of dancing and no story is told through most of it. also, this performance featured canned music rather than live. this is sad.
friday morning my family returned home, and friday evening michael roderick arrived in town to stay for a few days with my friend daly.
lots of pizza was eaten and music was listened to and driving was done and good conversation was had. also an unplanned for parade got in our way...extending his stay for a few extra hours sunday afternoon..while i tried to find a back way to get to his car, and then when there, discovered someone at the parade had parked behind him...blocking him in. its all part of my plan to keep him here..i promise. too bad i didnt plan well enough. after we wasted some time in borders book store we found that the parade had passed on and his car was unblocked.

i've become involved in a ladies bible study on wednesday nights through my church and its grown to the size that it is time for it to split into two smaller groups now. i look forward to getting to know the small half that i'll be in better. the whole group is meeting one last time this wednesday for diner..i get to bring peach cobler...yumm!

*edited because no "diving" was done during the weekend, rather a good bit of "driving

some nice things....

two girls and a guy plus a rushed two day road trip
singing with caedmon's call cds..alone or with friends
getting unlost
sleeping in
wandering through part of a downtown area
following good smells
feeling perfectly comfortable
alathea, bebo norman, and gabe scott
pretending to sleep on the way home while listening to conversation
talks in the driveway
knowing what im here for and knowning that God is able to make it fruitful

its funny that i did all of these revisions and template updates just before falling off the face of the internet.
ive gotten to that point again where 45 minutes of online time feels like far too much..and im very excited to be there again. it means ive let it be less a part of me and have learned to live outside the litteral box.
life has been great, though...work has been interesting. i've been placed in charge of lining up the weekend entertainment for the shop and i love having that responsibility. people have been good for me.
bubye! i love you kids.

it amazes me how easy it is to waste a day away doing unimportant things. it also amazes me how much one can fill a day with that seems at least a little bit more important. thats what this week has been about.

i'm sort of back but mostly not.
before i took this break, i came to realise that i spend entirely too much time reading about life through the internet instead of living life.
i talk about how i've wanted to read certain books or write more or play music more or know people more...instead of going out and doing it.
this past week i let those tables turn and i learned that even when i allow myself to enjoy these things instead of only wasting time talking about them, i still cant find enough time for all of them. and even then, i let these rarely experienced things take the time slots of even greater treasures...like studying scriptures or realy experiencing personal prayer.
i've been using this time to reawaken my love for creativity, for thought, for expression, for order in my life.
my room is becomming clean and my bed has been made almost daily, i'm starting to actually read books again that i've looked at on the shelf for months, i've been writing and playing my guitar frequently, I've been considering scriptures and thinking about them throughout the day, i've been spending time with people whom i cherish and talking about struggles and joys and frustrations. i even ballanced my checkbook this afternoon.
I miss using the internet to connect with friends i've lost any other form of direct contact to...but more than that, i miss the life it took from me. I've lost too much, missed too much, forgotten too much.
So now I'm making up for lost time.

I must now sleep before life begins again tomorrow.
tell me about your days (coffeegirl@silver-lined.com)

i've decided that i need to get away from this thing for a while (the computer in general)

i havent taken an internet fast in years...and i have a lot more in my life i want to spend time on.

i'll be back in some days..maybe a week. i dunno.

i'll still be around for email..because if i dont check that the junk mail fills the box entirely.

peace,
becca

not too long ago i pulled out some old family albums here at my grandmother's house and looked at pictures from before this house was built and its being built and how my mom's family looked then. since looking at those pictures, ive been able to see that same woman in my grandmother now. sometimes when she talks to me i see the sparkle of that 30-something year old mother/wife. the longer i stay here the better i get to know that part of her, under the grandmother parts. the part that is the same exact person she was then. it makes me wish i could look through family albums of every older person i've known in order to get to know them as they were and still are..regardless of age.

tomato soup:

dear haley,
please tell your mother that i am forever thankful to her for introducing me to tomato soup and its goodness. i've found tomato soup and cheese sandwiches to help get me through otherwise eventless days with a sense of contentment.
love and nutrient-filled,
becca

(i already posted this on a couple of forums...but i wanted to stick it here so i could keep my own copy of the accounts. who knows..maybe someone who didnt see it there will see it here and either: a. be scared of me, or b. feel less alone. *shrugs*)

Sunday, October 12
on knowing things will happen...

i dunno..this happens to me rather often..its actualy very frustrating to me because i havent a clue *why* i get to know these things.

example from the past:
my 2nd year of all state choir, previous to its start that week fer and i were in the mall in alexandria and i had this gut feeling that we'd see chet maynard that day in the mall. i just *knew* it would happen. i told fer of this and so we kept our eyes pealed for him. it got to be almost the time to leave and who did we run into? chet. yup. there he was in the mall while we were there..so of course, we spoke to him and he was buying stuff for the all state trip.

example from today:
this afternoon i went down to the riverwalk park in augusta to write in my journal for a while (i've felt litterarily dry lately..is that a word?) i had that gut feeling again...this time i just *knew* that i was gonna see Miles Kilpatrick today by the river. it was realy strange..because i hardly know Miles..he came to a show one weekend at the coffee shop and he played in the coffee shop this past fri and sat nights...those are realy the only encounters ive had with him. but anyhow, i just felt like i'd see him today. i stayed there on my bench by the river for over and hour and got a lot of writing out of my system..i wasnt just hanging around waiting on my prediction to come true..but never saw the kid, so i shruged it off as paranioa or some strange guitar-player obsession i'd acquired. later this evening i still felt the need to get off and be by myself to read and write, so i went to the south carolina side of the river to the fishing piers at riverview park. I go there a good bit to be alone and enjoy to water view. i'd hardly gotten settled on the bench on the little pier before i hear someone walking down the path and guess what? it was Miles and a friend of his. i looked at him rather surprised..he may have misread the expression as disturbed..i hope not. he came over and gave me a hug and then left me to my reading...but what the heck?

i dunno..these known runins never hold much value or depth..its just "oh, look, i ran into the person i knew i'd see today..now what?" thats whats so frustrating...WHY does god let me know whats going to happen if there's not some purpose behind it? i started trying to formulate reasons for it while driving around town this evening and i thought maybe he's warming me up..teaching me to know when the gut feeling is real so some day he can tell me something realy important and i'll know its true because it will feel just like the feeling when i *know* i'm going to run into so-and-so-who-ive-not-seen-in-a-year or the-boy-ive-only-spoken-to-a-few-times. (hyphens are fun)

its kind of scary...does this happen to any of you kids?

further reminders that i dont belong in hattiesburg anymore: yesterday while looking up the warrenty info on my car battery at auto zone, i had to look at a business card in my wallet to get the city's zipcode.

on with the promised reflecting...

i was sooooo excited about my trip to hattiesburg. i dont know exactly what it was about going that i wanted so badly..but i just *needed* the trip. part of it was loneliness..part of it was closure..and part was just missing people i hadnt seen in months.

for starters...hanging out with michael on saturday was great..but it wasn't like "old times"..and i'm glad. i cant live in what used to be anymore and i am starting to understand that better. so...i'm letting things become new things instead of hanging onto the old. i think that is what my entire move to south carolina has been about...mainly...thus far.

the rest of the drive from mom and dads house to hattiesburg on saturday night i was overwhelemd with what this trip was going to do to me. i actually began to get scared that i'd want to stay once i got back there with my old friends. driving down highway 17 i started crying real tears over this fear of something that i didnt even know would or would not happen.

sunday night and monday morning spending time with people from school while they were at school made me realise more that i dont want to be back there and i'm absolutely certain that i wouldnt have wanted another year in college. there arent many people i related to left there anymore. people always rag me about how quickly i finished..some of the staff even try to say that i still belong there...but when you're ready to leave..you're ready.

monday night nick and i went to see skot and i honestly wasnt sure how that was going to go...we havent seen much of each other since last winter when we broke up. the visit was good, though. not overly awkward...its good to know that we're past that now. but it was strange not to hug him when we left...i'll admit that. though, it would have felt stranger to have actually done so. Its good to know that there is no hurt left there. (i hope its the same for you)

tuesday with haley and julie and alex was so much fun. it was great to get to spend real time with julie again and to get to know alex better. it was good to see for myself how well they are doing. scrabble with haley in java werks was nescesary and good...and almost felt like last year again...but neither of us belong in hattiesburg anymore..we fooled ourselves into thinking we lived there again for those couple of hours over coffee. but none of the friends i spent time with on tuesday seem to belong in hattiesburg anymore either...haley is gone, julie and alex may move, nick wants to leave for school, and i'm not there anymore either. the best day of my trip was the most proving.

so i'm moving on with this chapter of my life...and i'm going to learn from it more of who i am as just *me*...and i'm going to stretch myself..and i may be sometimes miserable...but i'm going to enjoy it all the same.

i had to get my car jumped again last night in order to come home from work. i also had to jump it to take it to auto zone...because it seemed a good idea to check that battery..ya know?
new car batteries help a lot!

in other news...
i added a couple of new music links in the sidebar..you ought to give them a listen. i like 'em.

i know i said i'd reflect..but not in this entry..later..most likely.

today we're talking about one thing: my car.

if you have been keeping up with the tale..or care to read back all the way to my first set of archives..you know that my car has often given me grief. the first week i had this blog account i remember posting about various breakdowns and such. many more posts have followed that week..and this is yet another...though less severe. sunday night i got in my car to drive to the WCC campus and...ta-da..it wouldnt turn the engine over. so i got in stephs car and called nick to get him to give it a try...of course, he called me back and had gotten it started 5 times with no problem. the next day i started it fine to drive it to the store. tuesday i didnt drive it at all. wednesday morning (yesterday, for those who can count) i got in my car to return to south carolina and...guh..again..no turn over. i went in to get nick to check it out. i said "come magically fix my car again, please?" so he came out and jumped my car from his and i was on the road. however, i noticed i only had a little over 1/4 tank of gas..so i knew i'd have to get some rather soon..i made it about 50-60 miles down the road before i filled up..and i made sure to go to a station with plenty of cars in case i needed to make use of one. (as they aren't fond of one leaving the car running while putting gas in it) to my surprise, little honda started up just fine after her tank was full..so we went on. about 50 miles later i needed lunch so i stoped and went into an arbys in meridian. i figured since: a. car had started fine after gas stop and b. there were plenty of people around to help and c. i was at this point in the trip the closest i'd be to where my folks live in case i needed backup...that this stop would be fine. i enjoied my roast beef and curly fries (dipped in a jamocha shake) and then went out to leave (praying a quick prayer as i went)...first attempt: no start. second attempt: no start. *pause* *head on the steering wheel..desperate plea for help to that creator i mumble to sometimes* third attempt: starts fine. (strange aint he?) at this point i decide i will not turn off my car again untill i'm in south carolina (except for the one more time i'll have to put gas in, of course) for all other stops i left it running and used my spare key to unlock the door.
i made it home fine and my car started just fine all of today as well. so strange.
another odd thing about my car is..the dashboard clock has not worked since i got the thing..with the exception of a few times it has randomly turned on (usually almost set to the correct time!?) usually ive notcied these random operational times occur somewhere near the days it acts up..like yesterday...i noticed a few times the clock on..it even stayed on long enough for me to go ahead and set it to the correct time. *shrugs* well, tonight after work it came on and stayed on till i got to walmart..then it was on again from walmart to home. it functioned like a perfectly normal clock..then when i turned into the driveway it quit again.
i dont get it....but i still love my little car.

just an update...
im in hattiesburg now.
i saw springstead on saturday.
hung out with drew and steph on sunday.
i saw a lot of WCC people yesterday.
nick and i hung out with skot last night.
haley is comming up to the 'burg today.
i hope to see julie and alex today too.
tomorrow i drive.
reflections will come later.

1. i think template updates are now complete.

2. i cant believe no one mentioned that i had typed "a. e. poe" instead of "e. a. poe"

3. those of you who are linked, if you'd rather not be, let me know

4. those of you who are not linked, if you'd rather be, let me know

i just stayed up an hour and a half later than i ought to have because i was messing with my blog template. whoops.

eine
i'm planning a trip to hattiesburg soon. it will be a short one..but i need it. i thought some of you would like to know. definite plans will be forthcomming. very possibly next week. while in town i'll be staying with nick and chris. now you cant say you didnt know how to find me :)

zwei
recent purchasses:
a burr coffee grinder from Ebay
a book of stories and poems by E. A. Poe (on sale for about 1/3 of the original cost)
a blank card to send
Apples to Apples crate eddition (one of the best group games ever)
a chai latte for myself and a brownie mocha frappe' for my friend katherine.

drei
speaking of katherine...
ive realy come to appreciate days i get to spend with katherine. most of you dont know her..and that is sad..because she's great to know. we've known each other since we were 6 and 7. i can honestly say that our friendship has surpassed time and space barriers..and i'm surprised. after i moved away from here i always thought we stayed friends because our parents are friends..but now its more than that..its more that right now we need to be friends....and God knew we'd need that connection where we are in our lives now..so he kept us in touch for the last 13 or 14 years.
It's hard though, to hang out and not spend most of our time talking about how things were when we were kids....but i think we do that because we have so much time gapped where we didnt get to forget the kid memories and replace them with addolesent and highschool memories. its like we suddenly jumped from kids into adults with no transition at all.
What's funny to me is..if you took a list of our interests and profiled what we like to spend our time doing..then put the lists side by side..or knew katherine and i completely seperate of one another during the time that we have been apart...you'd probably not think we'd find much in common to want to spend any time together...yet she and i can finnish each other sentances and laugh till 1:00am and have conversations about what God is doing in our lives and see completely eye to eye on things.
God's kinda neat.
katherine, i promise its not just that we're strange, misplaced, and misunderstood :)

wow..its been a week since i updated?
well the week's rundown includes:
a bad sunburn
the last five iron frenzy show i'll ever see
getting kicked in the hand and having that swell up realy fast (the swelling is gone and now its just a bruise)
enjoying working nights wed-fri and working tomorrow morning
sleep that includes dreams--a rare thing for me. (last night i dreamed that my boss's wife handed me a random check for $196.00...not a paycheck..just an out of the blue one. dont i wish dreams came true?)

insanely sleepy now and no work tomorrow. bed soon.

mom and sisters visiting..good times.

arts in the heart of augusta festival tomorrow...havent been in to it in something like 13 or 14 years...arts and multiculture make me happy. exposing little sisters to these things makes it even better.

today is the most beautiful day of september!

light breeze, 76 degrees, low humidity, bluest blue sky, leaves falling, everything still mostly green. yumm!
why am i inside? i wont be soon..i've got to find a good place to enjoy this!

i almost never put these things here...but i am today.


Aesthete


The ULTIMATE personality test
brought to you by Quizilla

i've been pretty much regularly attending first presbyterian church of augusta...about every other week now. i even went to sunday school once. last thursday a girl i work with told me that they'd had a congregational meeting the night before about some problems in the church and that also Dr. Ortlund, the pastor, had resigned.
Now, the only reason i ever visited FPCA was because michael roderick told me i *had* to go hear Dr. Ortlund preach..and it was Dr. Ortlund's preaching that kept bringing me back...but also the spirit of true worship and teachability within the congregation. there is just something refreshing about sitting among that church..something i haven't seen or felt anywhere else. i'm thinking that God kept Dr Ortlund there just long enough to get me in those walls a few times and feel His Spirit there.
Dr. Ortlund will be there till the 5th of October and i plan to absorb as much of his teaching as i can between now and then, but i also plan to not let his leaving cause me to go wandering to another church for another "great speaker." I'm still not certain that i agree with the presbyterian church on all counts...but i cannot ignore the life and eagerness i've seen, felt, and experienced in that church.
Tonight at the evening service during the hymn singing i had to make myself stop singing so i could listen to the congregation. everyone who was able was singing with energy and conviction. that is rare among churches. that is rare. it is a treasure. it is *worship*. i couldnt stop saying to myself over in my head "the true worshipers will worship in spirit and in truth."
at the close of ther service i was overwhelmed by how much love i felt for this group of people whom i realy dont know. i love them for their attentiveness to teaching, for their joy, for filling the pews, for accepting anyone who happens to sit next to them, for the people who've remembered my name even though i've not been very outgoing. i'm excited about this church. i'm excited about who god will bring to teach them after Dr. Ortlund. The sermon tonight was on The Church in Renewal..and i'm excited about that. i want to be a part of this renewal..and i am certain that if i continue to become a part of that fellowship, if not through membership yet, but only through being involved in it, i will be.
i cant get it all into words, so i'll stop for now. i just needed to type all of this out for me before i went to bed and forgot about the excitement.

the moon, my constant companion

sweetly kissed by his beams
as i drift into dreams.
when i wake his light guides my way.

In this darkest blue night
I need no other light
the clouds and the haze drift aside.

with an indirect glow
forms are lost in shadow
my eyes reflect all night and space.

he shines bright in full phase
although knowing in days
his love will be lost in black night.

then I'll once more rely
on inanimate lights
while traveling this life on my own.


i've been fixated and facinated by how beautifully comforting, yet lonely the full moon has seemed in recent days. being at work before the sun has risen gives me extra time to contemplate these things.

now hear this:
all of you (meaning certain boys) need to get out of my head or at least give me a good reason as to your being stuck in there so often. i have spoken. this is law.

my week of night shift is over. and i have to say, i'm glad to see it over.
i enjoied getting to sleep in.
i enjoied getting to stretch mywings and have the bar to myself a lot more.
i enjoied seeing how quickly we can get closed.
but i missed having free time in the afternoons and evenings.
and i missed having someone to goof off with at work
and i missed having that second person to help take up slack and to allow for more thurough cleanings during shifts.

tomorrow i have not got work, so i must go find some extra black pants for to wear while i work.
tomorrow i also plan to get myself a blockbuster card and rent movies with my "two rentals for 99 cents each" coupon. i havent decided yet what to get. i think one will be Life is Beautiful, because i have yet to see it and realise that i must. the other *might* be This Is Spinal Tap...because nick and springstead have both urged me in that direction..and it would be a good complete contrast to the first choice. i enjoy contrasting movies. now, with only having at that time spent about 2 bucks on rentals, i'll rent at least one more..and that is yet to be decided. feel free to leave your suggestions in the comments section. Crap! i just noticed the coupon is only for new releases....so there go those choices... :\ well, suggest some new releases for me, eh.

the site that i use for my comments, ReBlogger, has been down for d*a*y*s...i miss the affirmation of seeing comments. *sad*

in other news, i get to sleep in this week:)

allow me to insert one play-by-playish sort of statement:
next week i'm working evening shift...so late night conversations and sleeping till more normal hours will be the norm. at least for one week. i'm considering it a sort of vacation. i look forward to conversing with many of you lovely friends of mine during the hours that i have recently been sleeping. yay!

an intriguing plan has begun forming within my mind...
the plan is around the ideas of travel and coffee.
i've not thought out the logistics of it much as of yet, but the idea is that i'd visit various parts of the country staying with friends. some places i'd just stay a short while and get to know the area...but every once and again i'd settle down for 6 months to a year and work in some area coffee shop for a while, then move on to the next location. this would help me to gain experience from various regions and managers, while also fulfilling that wandering inclination that has been building throughout most of my life.
its only an idea right now...but i think its not a bad idea. its kind of scary.

emotions are overwhelmingly annoying buggers. they should be shot. I hate them today. to prevent sounding more pathetic and embarrasing myself...i'll stop at that.

i am enjoying short statements of thought. feel free to share your own via comments.

it is saying something good about a coffee shop when one can work there 6 hrs a day, 5 days a week, and still want to go hang out there on a friday evening to drink a cup of tea and read a book. the atmosphere still feels right.

i need someone to go play scrabble with in a coffee shop for a couple of hours.
frequently.

rebellion and anti-rebellion to christian pop-culture collide when becca enters the family christian store to shop only from the 3.99 cd rack for good music aparently declared no-good by the establishment.

i cannot seem to drink green tea without sugar
even when i *want* to
i try it...and find it lacking any flavour
so in goes the sugar
and ta-da
green tea flavour abounds.

np: Norah Jones
"crazy, crazy for feelin so lonely...
i'm crazy, crazy for feelin so blue..."

in all honesty...i cant help but miss being close to a boy.
I dont feel that right now i'm ready in life for it again...though if the opportunity came up and i felt God saying "go for it" i wouldnt hold back.

i think i've been trying hard to make up for it by growing better friendships with the boys in my life. now, dont get me wrong, the boys in my life are great. i honestly dont know what i'd do without them. i've always felt that i communicate better with my male friends and just generally feel more at ease and honest with them (by design?). but these boys, as great as they are, and as much as i cherish our friendships, cannot fit that place within me that so misses having a special *someone*.
sadly, i think i've always wanted "a special someone" more than "a specific someone."
that desire is annoying...most of the time. it gets in the way of my ability to cultivate realy strong friendships with people whom i do care about. i find myself drifting off into crushland and getting all schoolgirlish over boys whom i know good and well that i have no place acting like that about.
having someone to be close to and spend time with and care for in the past felt so right and easy because it is one of the things i was designed to do...eventually.

dear boys in my life (note, this includes also boys i've not actually met),
i cant get my thanks fully into words here...but thanks for putting up with girls like me...and for being my friend anyway.
I love you each and probably have thought of you *like that* at least once or twice.
love, becca

i've decided that i have so much more to offer in word than various empty play-by-plays on my life experiences. please do me a favor and kick me in the rear if i get stuck on long spews of such things again anytime soon. i want to share thoughts, not just actions.

impressionists.

i stared so close that the choice of colors and seemingly random brush strokes looked completely out of place and obscure to my eyes, then i backed slowly away from each piece till it looked real and beautiful again..a masterpiece, each color bringing out highlights and shadows and drawing attention to various details...all bringing me to the realization that the painters of these works are far better than I.

this is exactly how life is
we're each looking at these details of our lives so closely..so confused by the obscurity...we see the thing that we know is supposed to look like a "lamp" but we can't see the "lamp" because we're too close to it. we're looking at the blotches instead of the whole. when you back away, the blotches blend and enhance one another to form a beautiful scene for the senses.

i'm absolutely blown away when i try to comprehend how the painter could see the big picture while they were working,
and sadly, somedays i think i'm more blown away by the paintings and painters than by the creation and creator.

life in this world is so very much more than the obscure things that happen to me, now, here.
i want to look at the painting and be amazed by the Master Painter.

why do crickets chirp?

its the same sound over and over again.
perhaps by one, perhaps by many.
never changing pitch,
never changing rhythm,
never changing time.
just the constant chirp.
almost mechanical.
i'd call it communication...
if i could hear a change

does our constant chatter sound as crickets to his ears?

the following is from my real written journal about the event discovered here.

please keep in mind that this entry was written in spurts as my journal lay open on the table in front of me.
things in parenthesis with "add" in front are additions to the journal entry to clarify, etc.

[start of written journal]
9-14-03 6:20pm
...and the randomness continues...
in the courtyard (or outside patio?) of the Cotton Patch i enter. The band is playing some song that is basically a loop. I've forgotten their name now. (add: they later repeated it: Abstract Magic)

random: i'm given a menu. I order only sweet tea and steamed veggies, and i'm the only one out here eating. (add: till later when various older people come and eat...probably parents and friends' parents.) Am i trying to add to my mystery? No. I'm just not hungry...at all.
why'd i wear this shirt? (add: 3/4 sleeved close fitting black shirt. it was hot outside at the time as the sun had not yet sunk behind the walls)

I used to want that guitar....but that one is a bass. did i want the bass? (add: mint green fender)
If these kids are high schoolers, where do they disapear to after that? (add: everyone around me seemed like pretty cool kids with perhaps similar interests to myself...except that they are still in high school...i've always wondered where that sort of crowd but my age is hiding around this place. i'll find them eventually)

my veggies are here and GOOD! seriously, the best steamed veggies i'e ever had. brocoli, califlower, and red potatos.
i've limes in my tea.

4 piece band: lead guitar and vocs (add: and later kazzoo), 2nd guitar, bass, drums.

It's sometimes interesting to watch ashes drift in the breeze.

i can see they are recording this show..say its their last.

oh, it's acoustic guitar time now (add: bandmates took a break. i liked the acoustic stuff best. its a big contrast from what the whole band plays. i think its an age seperation sort of thing...lead guitarist is about to go to college, rest of the band is still in high school)
...then hardcore for one song (add: when lead guy takes his break)
rumor has it a kazoo will be played soon.

two limes down, only one more to go.
the girl in the hebrew shirt looks similar to fer. not in mannerisms, though.
that is one heck of a nice looking recording mic.

kazoo time. pretty impressive, honestly. (add: he played this cheap green plastic kazoo in similar fashion to a jazz/bluesy sax solo improv. it reminded me of a cheapened flecktones moment..heh. note: "reminded" does not mean that it was actually like flecktones..just that it hit something that made me think of that)

hrm..a mix between Jennifer McCumber and Anna Morris has shown up. Daniel Adams is missing it. poor guy.

i'm leaving now.
[end of written journal]

i left the show about 8:00. i'd heard about an hour and a half of the band, long since finished my meal, and realy wasn't too into their main sets. if it had all been acoustic and some improv stuff like the kazoo, i'd have enjoied the whole thing. i'm still glad i went because having something to do is good for me. its rare that live music is early enough for me to take in with my schedule as it stands. after leaving, i drove through downtown again simply because i enjoy having an old downtown to drive through (though its not at all on the way home...its actually quite the oposite direction) then i began heading home, but took a detour to the playground at the bottom of the hill on lake ave where i swang on the big swing set for awhile...good times. completely reminded me of my nights back in new orleans where i'd go to the swing set under the big tree at lipsey park and swing. remind me to go back to the park at the bottom of the hill a bit more often.

yay!!!!
my schedule has been changed!
i now work 6am to noon mon-fri...which means more hours per week, more time-and-a-half hours, and no long long days of closing! i also get to see the regulars every day..and i like that. :)
my feet will like this.
my internal clock will be happier with me, too. throwing two early mornings in during a week is harder than getting used to 5 of them.
i'm hoping to be able to take a few hours nap every afternoon so i wont have to be going to bed at 8 and 9 every night ;)
yay!

i've worked 22 hrs in 36.
two 11 hr shifts...open to close...closing took two hours.
my feet hurt.
not as badly today as yesterday..but still not great.
i'm going shoe shopping now.

geeze..it's been almost two weeks since i updated! i realy didnt realise i'd been so slack here.

in answer to lem's question, the sf59 album mentioned in the previous entry is "old." its very good and should be given a listen.

last thursday the shop opened oficially. we worked wednesday giving out free drinks to whoever would come in to give us practice with customers and get the word out on how great our drinks are. i worked thursday and friday 6am-3pm and enjoyed every bit of it except for the sore feet that ensued from wearing uncomfortable shoes on thursday. but its okay..i bought some black and white converse shoes to wear and they helped greatly on friday. (we're required to wear black pants and shoes and white shirts) i hear that saturday went realy well..from 10:30 or so they say that had a stready line of people for at least an hour...which is awesome. i'm glad people are checking us out. our hours right now are 6am to 3 on weekdays and 8am to 5 on saturdays. that will stretch as money comes in and kinks get worked out. i have a feeling that the place is going to be absolutely hopping in the evenings once we get open later.
we've already got a number of regulars..one man comes in every morning around 8:00 for a double grande dark roast, and after lunchtime the guy from acros the street at the goodyear place comes in for his 16oz strawberry banana smoothie.
have i mentioned that i absolutely love the people i work with? i stopped in this morning on my way home (i'm babysitting overnight the next couple of nights and did last night as well)...just to see how things were, see everyone, and order a latte. i just cant stay away for a whole week :)

i wont be around much this week...the computer at the house i'm staying at to babysit is broken as of yesterday (before i got there, i swear i didnt do it!) i'm working there from 5:30pm till morning tonight through wednesday and working at the shop from 6am to 3 thursday and friday.
if you're in the area somehow towards the end of the week, come have me make you a drink.

becca: thank you for urging me to buy this album
carey: it's wonderful!
carey: definately sf59's best ever
carey: not only is it a great album but you're now more indie cool than you ever have been
carey: hehehe
carey: brb
becca: oh i am?
becca: :)
carey: back
carey: yeah
carey: this is the indie album of the year as far as most indie people are concerned
becca: oh
becca: okay

who: statistics, paperback, and starflyer59
where: new brookland tavern, west coumbia, sc
when: july 23, doors open at 8

new things...
i went to my first show by myself last night. being that i was by myself, i thought i'd write about the experience. this may get long and rambley, and it may have less to do with the show than with my experiences of the night.

at first i wasn't going to go because of not having anyone to go with, but i decided it was going to be a great show for 8 bucks and i couldnt let myself miss it. (i actually decided that on tuesday afternoon thinking that the show was on tuesday night and if i hadn't had to check online for directions, i would have gone on tuesday night and been quite disapointed.)
while online, i checked with a columbia, sc vagrant by the name of GirlAfraid and found that she was going as well. we promised to keep our eyes open for each other, though we've never met.

columbia is a little over an hour from me, so i left just after 5 to give myself plenty of time to get lost, eat, find my way. (i like to be well prepared.) i stopped for subway once i got into the area, then around 6:45 i found the venue, figured out where good parking would be, etc. i sat in my car and read for the remaining hour. i discovered that there is a neat little coffee shop two doors to the right of the venue, so i stepped inside, ordered an iced coffee, sat in a chair, and began talking to myself in my journal. wihle sitting here i became quite aware that pretty much everyone in the place knew one another. i think most everyone was there for the show..but some where there studying and whatnot. the shop was a long room almost like a wide hallway, and had i 12ft ceilings. there were a couple of tables outside and tables along each wall. about halfway down the room on the left were two old livingroom sorts of chairs and a small orange vinyl foot rest. on the walls were paintings by what i assume to be local artists. at the top of the walls were some mirrors hung at an angle where if you look up you are likely to see yourself or someone else in the room. also on the walls were a coupld of wooden chairs. in one of these chairs sat an old looking stuffed chicken (or maybe itwas a rooster?) i sat directly across from the chicken in one of the two livingroom type chairs and set my coffee on the orange foot rest. I wrote for about a page and a half, then decided to go check on the venue. I packed up my things, threw my coffee cup away, and walked two doors down. When i got inside, i found about 3 people playing pool, and maybe 4 or 5 other people in the whole place. i stood there for a little while letting my eyes adjust and trying to asses the situation, then decided i'd be much more comfortable waiting back in my chair at the coffee shop...so i returned. i wrote another page and a half and then noticed someone who i though could be GirlAfraid enter. i didnt say anything, though, because for one, i was enjoying watching everyone,..and for two, i dont know. she seemed to be enjoying the people she was talking with. I asked at the counter about restrooms and was directed to a door in the back that said "Library". (I thought that interesting, is why i included it)
by now its about 8:30 or 8:45, and i decided to go to the tavern to see if anything is happening. this time there are people there and someone to take my money, so i decided to stay. i stood in the room for a minute, then took a seat next to a girl whom i later found to be named michelle and met her husband named andy. oddly, andy looked a bit like another andy i know but i try not the think about that because this andy seemed a lot more normal than the andy he resembles. michelle and i talked a lot about where we're from and stuff. it was refreshing to meet someone i could talk to freely as we did. Michelle told me that they'd heard the show was supposed to start at 9:30, it didnt end up starting till like, 10:15 or so.
During the wait, i didnt see the girlafraid looking girl anymore, so just sat there and took in everything, talking to michelle and andy from time to time, and hearing about three albums play all the way through on the system.

(gosh, this has gotten realy long for not having even mentioned music yet!)
so, around 10:15 Statistics took the stage. i dont realy know how to descirbe them. they seemed to change their musical ideas/style from song to song. like..sometimes it would be this keyboards and distortion music, and others it was a guitars and rock sound. i couldnt decide whether or not to like them because they couldnt seem to decide what to play. i liked some and didnt like what they'd change to after that, then the next song i'd like them again. sorry statistic boys, you left me confused. i did like their indie rockstars look, and the singer's voice was nice..when i could hear it. i started watching the bass and guitar players feet as they'd move on stage. there's just something about the way some people get into playing the music that their feet just move so freely. i almost took a picture if it..but since motion would not have been a part of it, i decided against it. so, statistics have rockstar feet.

after the set ended, i found the girlafraid looking girl and decided i may as well go find out if it were her or not so as not to come home just wondering. i found it was her, but both of us seemed rather at a loss for things to say. i'd gotten into being alone at the show and i know she's a pretty introverted person naturally. I almost didnt go say anything so as to keep my aloneness going and avoid awkardness. shows just aren't realy good places for quiet people to meet without some common friend involved. (sorry, girlafraid, i hope you dont think it was your fault we didnt hang out. it was nice putting a face and some mannerisms with a screenname.)

now, i should probably explain a bit about who Paperback is.. before the show i heard a number of people discussing what they thought it would be. we all knew it to be a side project of pedro the lion, but didnt know exactly what david bazen was going to do with it. Paperback is basically david all by himself playing new songs that you'd not hear at a ptl show. bazen did assure us that some of these songs will probably end up on the next pedro alubm unless he writes something better between now and then. during the show it was obvious that these were newly written songs...almost completely wirtten around the poetry. bazen just started playing and singing pretty much at once and then when his lyrics were over, so was his music. it was interesting...and i liked it. i liked that i could understand most of what he sang, and i liked being hit for the first time with lyrics in this way. he closed his set with "backwards nation," which i had heard of from other people going to shows. wow...that is quite a song. (i hate how nondescriptive i am)

Last, starflyer played. Their set began about 12:00. The only other time I've seen starflyer live was at cornerstone'01 at one of the encore tents. it was a late show and i believe it was the last night of the fest..so most of what i remember is being very tired and sitting on a blanket in the very back of the tent. being wide awake and right up front for the show in a small indoor venue was a quite different experience. louder (and for the first time in years, i forgot earplugs at a show), more alive, more energetic. i do miss the recorded quality of ronnie martin's vocals. but you just cant get that in a live show. it sounded as though his voice was a litle under the weather last night from the tour, but that could have been just the balance or lackthereof. I'm not a diehard starflyer fan, so i cant give you a playlist or anything....but i can say that i enjoyed the show and that the band looks a lot different than i'd pictured them in my mind. (from the back of the encore tent i couldnt see very well.) after the show i bought the Old album from starflyer and got the free Old demos cd. The album is great...better today than last night in the car trying to find my way home. heh.

speaking of finding my way home...
leaving the venue i turned the direction i remembered comming from and then ended up in places i didnt remember being, and after a few more turns found myself passing the venue again! so i stopped, looked at my map, and decided i'd try turning the otherway from before..got lost again, came back the the mistaken intersection, and went the same way i'd gone on my first attempt, found out i'd missed a turn from that street and finally got on the road to home....about 20 minutes after my first leaving the venue. heh


in conclusion...i enjoyed my allalone show. i enjoyed not knowing anyone...once the music started. its that waiting time that is hard. and the notknowingwheretowait. once i found a place to wait, i was comfortable.
between the paperback and starflyer sets a girl told me i was beautiful. that was different.
when i got home after 2, i took a shower to wash the smells of the night from myself, now my stalesmoke scented laundry is being washed clean.

sorry, this is probably the worst sort of show review youve ever read. this is why i dont do them for a living.

i started working last thursday in the coffee shop. its not open yet..we still have a bit of work to do. i've been doing things like..cleaning up furniture and equipment--used equipment saves money...but does take a bit of time to get clean enough to use again. i spent about four hours yesterday just taking apart and scrubbing coffee pots. some cabinets are still being built and various quirks worked out. i think by the end of next week i'll have had a few days of practice on the machines and be ready to serve you each a latte or other beverage of your choice by monday the 28th :) (the day we are supposed to open)
i love the family who owns the place. they are, so far, marvelously nice people who realy do want to glorify God through their day-to-day lives. know what though? i dont even know their last name! hah:) details, details...

why am i still up when its nearly 6am?
why, simple...because i never went to sleep.
why didnt i go to sleep?
because i simply didnt want to.
yes folks..i didnt want to go to sleep.

it started as me getting offline around two with the intention of going to bed...but i wasnt realy tired enough then...so i started playing worms armagedon.
then it got to be 3...and i was enjoying my game...but i went ahead and did the whole taking out contacts and washing face bit..i think that got me to around 3:30...
still not quite ready for sleep, i played a couple more games of worms.
i think i won a total or 2 maybe 3 short games..got killed a lot.
then it was like..4:30 or so and i thought "hey, its almost 5 am...i wonder what vagrant is like right now" so i got on there.
then i got on aim to ask someone there why i was still up...and peter was on..so i talked to him for the rest of the time on here.
i came to the conclusion that i do not know now a good reason to go to bed, nor a good reason to stay up all night...so i'm stuck in this undecided limbo.

words from sunday afternoon....

naptime is avoided for
time to sit in slumberless
trance before a glowing
case of information

little yellow coffee cup
black coffee
fingers molded to the shape
warmth encompased
play out mellow melodies
words escaping
fan humming endlessly
screen glowing
time droning on and on
thoughts stop.

(just felt like writing something tonight..
plus..i dont normally drink from this mug...and i usualy dont take my coffee black...so it inspired me...or something.)

(some of you have read this already...)
this morning i had a second interview at borders. wendy, who interviewed me, realy liked me and my initiative, and said she'd get back with me about what positions were avaalable...i'd either get cashier, or cafe...just because thats where people start. I still realy wanted to work for the about-to-open shop, but hey..if not that, borders is the next best option i've got.
this afternoon my friend katherine and i happened to be (completely on purpose) by R Gabriel's, the one about to open, and i made katherine stop by so i could see if anyone was there to talk to about getting a job (i've already applied..but i'm anxious ) no one answered the door..so we went on.
when i got home this afternoon, there was a message from borders, so i called them back and they offered me a cashier's job with the understanding that i'd be moved to cafe as soon as there was an opening. i explained that there were a few other places looking at me and asked if i could get back with them. they gave me till tomorrow afternoon to let them know my decision. (very nice of them, i thought)
so..i got in my car, drove back over to R Gabriels, knocked, and was let in. when i reminded the owner who i was, he looked at his wife and said "oh, she's the one we were talking about earlier" (good? yes) so i told him that borders had offered me a job, but i'd rather work for him..and needed to know if that were going to happen or not before i go and accept the borders position. (woah)
they asked me a few questions about myself and what i want to do...and explained where they were comming from and that they'd never done anything like this either, so we'd all have to learn it togther..then he said "sure" dang i was so excited i could have grabbed both he and his wife by the neck!
he hasn't even gotten payroll set up yet, so we're getting together on wednesday to discuss schedules and stuff.
*sigh*

i'm so excited about this!!!

i cant believe all of this happened in under a weeks time....
now i get to turn down a job offer happily! that doesnt happen to me every day!

thanks for the prayers and encouragement, guys. i can feel it.

my borders interview went fine. nothing spectacular..but good. the end of the interview was funny..because Mack took me to a phone and had me do this phone questionare about my feelings on stealing within the workplace. it was so fricking redundant:)
anyhow..mack said i'd hear from him in 4 to 5 days..but he called today!
wanted me to come in for another interview, but this time to meet with Wendy. not sure what wendy does..but i sure hope she's the cafe manager:)
tomorrow (saturday) at 11:30.

songs to calm a worried soul
.............
sunday evening i went to the parking lot in front of the miller theatre (mentioned in a previous entry about my conversation with Johnny Carr) I was beginning to feel pretty discouraged about the whole prospect of ever being able to open my shop..much less to be able to have it in such a fabulous place as that theatre. i felt pretty inadequate as far as experience goes, and we all know i have zilch as far as being financially prepared...or in any business sense prepared.
so..i was thinking about those things...and knowing that i needed to just..get over myself and trust that God would bring everything together...but you know how hard we humans are to convince...
about this time, i looked up at the theatre again, and a bird landed on the awning, then hopped off into the middle of the road, up on the rail to the parking lot, and onto the side of the fountain. the following immediately got stuck running through my head.

His Eye Is On the Sparrow
Words: Civilla D. Martin, 1905

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,
Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

I sing because I’m happy,
I sing because I’m free,
For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.

“Let not your heart be troubled,” His tender word I hear,
And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears;
Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain

Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise,
When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies,
I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;
His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.

Refrain
...............

last night i was very anxious about my interview..and was waiting on a cup of coffee to brew and for my mom to call me back. i wandered through my grandmother's living room and looked on the piano to see what hymn she'd been playing. the hymnal was open to Be Still My Soul.
i softly sang through the whole thing and was struck by how fitting it was to exactly what i've been feeling lately...
the following is only stanzas 1 and 2, as 3-5 didn't feel as applicable to me here and now...why take up any more space than i need?

Be Still My Soul
Words: Katharina A. von Schlegel
translated from German to English by Jane L. Borthwick

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

interview no.2!
a guy from Borders called this afternoon asking when i could meet with him.
Thursday morning, 11:30
:)

yesterday i visited 7 shops in the over 5 hours i was out.
6 let me fill out applications..the only one that didnt was joe mugs..and they suck anyhow
(they SHOULD be hireing..it took forever to find the guy to ask him about applying! their loss)

the one that hasn't opened yet is called R Gabriel's. I drove by and looked for some number to reach the owner...but i saw nothing save the sign with the stores name..so i got ambitious and went in the exercise equpment store in front of it and asked them if they knew where i could find the coffee shop owner..and wouldnt you know it, he'd just been in the store before i had and was in the coffee shop right at that time! so i went next door and asked him when he was opening and if he had begun hireing yet. He told me he was aiming to open on the 21st said he'd just begun thinking about advertising for help, i just beat him to it. i sat on a metal folding chair among sawdust and stuff on the almost complete stage of this newly born coffee shop and filled out the application. he said i could just leave blank the parts covered in my resume, which is great..and i told him that my resume proves that i realy only want to work in a coffee shop...so hopefully he'll give me a call.

of the other 5 applications...two sounded like they would be hireing soon, the other three just said that they are always taking applications...so..who knows.

AND
after i was home and had had diner and was cleaning the bathroom..i recieved a phone call from the man who owns serendipity coffee shop in evans and we set up an interview for this morning.
i just got back from the interview. it went pretty well. he asked all sorts of things about me..like what i read and what music i listen to and stuff...and then about my past jobs and about what i want to do..so i told him about how i want to someday open my own coffee shop. he's interviewing a number of peple this week for a full time opening he has for mornings (6am to 2pm) the position requires someone who would open, who looks for things that need doing (me!) and who can make descisions along the same lines that he would...its almost like an assistant manager position.
he'll get back with me next week, says he.

now..what i *realy* want is for the guy building his shop to calll me..yes. I realy want to get to be involved in that part of a shop..the very very beginning.
i passed by there on my way to serendipity this morning and as i passed i screamed "call me!!!"

(windows up, of course)

eeep!

anyhow..the job hunt looks fairly promising.
we'll see what happens next ;)

well, morning is turning into afternoon...because i was up till almost 4 this morning remapping my plans for tomorrow because i realised i was doubletracking myself a bit. so..instead of 8:30, which was plan A, i changed my alarm to 9:30, plan B..and when that went off, i came to the realization that if i got up then, got ready to go in an hour, and left....i'd only get maybe an hour's work done before most people were on lunch breaks and actually visiting the shops...and it would not be ideal to go in asking about jobs during a busy time like that. so...i reset my alarm and went back to sleep for another hour. I'll go out after the lunch rush has calmed down..and then i wont have to break up my trip for an hour, as i was going to have to do for plan B.
Plan C, here I come!

the job hunt begins...

well, i've tracked down 6 .5 coffee shops to apply at..and starting in the morning, that is what i'll be doing.

3 are self standing shops...Abbis coffee mill, and PJ's are both in Augusta, Serendipity is in Evans.
3 are in bookstores...Borders, Barnse and Noble, and Books a Million.
the 0.5 is being built. i haven't even seen it myself..but i heard from two different people today...completely seperately..that they've seen a coffee shop being built at the corner of Davis and Washington Rd....so i'll drive by and hope that a sign will be up with a phone number or something so i can apply there. (this is the job i real want..new shop=the experience i realy need to see!)

so...i spent most of the evening working on polishing up my resume' to the ideal Barista resume' without telling any lies.
the downfall is...i am missing some qualifications that a coffee shop owner is going to want to see in employees: cashier experience, and Barista experience. if i had one or the other i'd feel better about this...so pray for me!

seriously..pray for me tomorrow morning and afternoon...that i'll look collected...that shops will take applications..and that i wont get lost!

thanks:)

well, my family left today around 12:30 with no rain to hinder their path. i project they should arrive home around 7:30 or 8:00 this evening.
since their departure, i've been reorganizing my room here and doing laundry. i love my family...but it sure is easier to keep my space looking in order when i'm the only one using it.

things of note that may or may not be important at all:
-nick left a cd here...i bet he'll be missing it...its michael roderick's
-my toenails are blue
-i still stink at worms armegedon
-grandma is at the store
-i am going to take a walk this evening..so long as the rain holds off
-i just realised that i have to install word perfect before i can redo my resume.

green tea in a colbalt blue glass mug never looks steeped.

ah...summer:)

i'm watching knight rider.
i havent seen this show since i was like..7...i swear. but i used to watch it ALL the time when i was little....its a part of me.
did david hasselhoff EVER lose the curly mullet look? and is that mr. feeney i hear?

anyhow..nothing big happening here...the family is still in town..staying an extra day due to tropical storm bill.
i still havent started the job hunt..becuase i was waiting for them to leave before bothering with it.

next weeks plans include:
.revise resume.
.get, fill out, and return job applications to all number of places.
.go see dr. john bryan at the baptist association office.
.meet whoever it is that john bryan told dad about who wants to do some sort of coffee shop ministry.
.find a music store to buy a tuner from.
.read a book.
.call rebecca butler and find out if we have anything in common anymore...i may have TWO friends remaining in town!

yeah....pitiful, aint it?

continuation....

it was NOT the alternator!
"...And there was much rejoicing" *
dad decided that it was probably the battery connections...so he replaced those and now it should be good. time will tell.
"Time is a slow sword that can pierce any armor..." **

*Monty Pothon and The Holy Grail
** The Normals-Don't Hold Back

ps....no idea why i've suddenly fallen in love with The Normals lyrics all over again....i'd actually completely forgoten that i have two of their albums.

my family got in town last night..but i haven't seen them all yet. i've only seen daddy. He took me to the Allens house and after having the battery charged all of yesterday, my car started. So we brought it to my grandmother's house where dad can better work on it.

to be continued.....

well..the news today is....

my car broke....




again.




its a shame too..because she had been behaving so well in the last few months.

this afternoon as i was about to reach my destination at the Allen family's house...my check engine light came on...and my radio began to cut in and out. i figured i'd just let it sit in heir driveway till later when i'd try to crank it..so tonight around 8:30 i decided to see if it would work..and of course..it did not..so i got Katherine and Michael to bring me home...and my car is siting in their driveway till tuesday when my family will be here and dad will be able to come check it out...and hopefully fix it..and hopefully it wont cost a lot.

*crosses fingers*

my closet smells like coffee...and i like that.

it seems i've been rather longwinded lately...looking at my last number of entries.
its a side effect of having a lot of extra time to spend in front of a computer...and a lot of time to process everything that happens within a day.

today i explored.
i drove out washington road to Serendipity coffee shop. i discovered that it is brand new..about to celebrate its three month anniversary. i took my coffee shop journal with me..(place where i've begun keeping note of various things having to do with opening a coffee shop)
i'm kind of split on my feelings about the place...
Its a cute little shop with potential to become a great hit with those who live on that side of Augusta (its realy about 17 miles outside of augusta.)It has both a downstairs room full of tables, and a loft room with tables, cushioned benches, and a number of games--including scrabble and some table tops designed as ready-made checker boards. the downfalls are...they only keep a regular and decaff brewed coffee..and they didnt have hot tea, as far as i could tell. I prefer having a couple of coffee options besides espresso concoctions...and some days one just wants a cup of tea. however, i do realise that the money is in the espresso drinks....and this place, being very new, needs the money. so...wise choice? perhaps. it also has a tendency to look rather sterile--ina hospital sense...and cookie cutterish, which is increased by their pride in serving Starbuck's coffees.

at any rate, i'll probably go back....especially since they stay open to the times that a coffee shop with any sense should-11 pm during the week and midnight on weekends. i'll support that as i am able.

I still have three or four shops to track down and sample. nothing like driving around with a map open in the passenger seat and always keeping eyes pealed for street address numbers. :)

its a rainy day...and what better is there to do on such a day than to write about it?

its a rainy day...and what better is there to do on such a day than to write about it?

i dressed sort of decently today..because grandma and i had plans to find one of the coffee shops in Aiken and then go to a concert in a park there...but we just found out the concert has been postponed..as have our plans.

now wearing:
-black racer-backed tank
-creame colord chrocheted openwork sweater thingy with realy neato sleeves
-jeans with three or four inch cuffs
-satin slippers that i wore for my recital and wear now because they keep my toes warm and my feet happy in the house.
-hair messy-curly-happy

now hearing:
-Jessye Norman singing the songs of Alban Berg (mmmm i could just eat her voice!)
previous:
-Jeff Buckley...untill i decided that the streaming was slowing the computer down far too much
-starflyer 59 (the yellow album?)

i've been working on finding my way around this place. The other day i went to wal-mart and purchased three maps: one of the North Augusta/Augusta area, another of georgia, and one of south carolina. I came home and immediately spread all three out on the bed and examined them..connecting things i know with things that i vaguely remember. I've also begun trying to locate the three or four coffee shops i've read about in the area. soon i will venture out to find them and hopefully these maps will help me know where i am, should i get lost on the way.
*briefly leaves the computer*

*returns with a glass of water*
on my way back to the computer i paused in the enclosed back porched and gazed into the backyard for a moment. I've decided that the word to describe it is "magical." the way the yellow sky drops bits of rain down upon the slightly overgrown hedges surrounding bricked walkways leading in various directions...seems simply...magical.

*shifts*
i've recently begun reading about this business of starting a small business...so that if this coffee shop thing is realy what i want to do...i will at least know a bit more about what it takes to do so. I've been reading about small business administration on the internet..and taking various enterprunuership(sp?) quizes, and reading the book that mom and dad gave me for my birthday on starting and running ones own coffee specialty business.
Completely disrelated...saturday grandma went to the libraryand checked out for me a volume containing four C.S.Lewis books: Surprsed By Joy, Reflections on the Psalms, The four Loves, and The Business of Heaven. I've begun The Four Loves..but due to the distractions of this computer..i've only made it into the second chapter thus far.

the rain has slowed now to a gentle sprinkle and the thunder, though frequent, seems to have moved off into the distance...

np: Ferne Lieder (Distant Songs)
Roses!
A cypress grove,
ancient springs flowing.
Above the sea in the evening glow
black swallows are darting.

From the white villa
comes a sweet lament:
a woman playing and singing
songs of another day.

A great silence is spun,
the fountains rise;
and the distant songs are
silence turned to sound.

***note my little heart is pounding with coffee shop excitement from this next bit of news!***
Tonight my grandmother and i went to a harp concert. before the concert started, a man asked if he could sit on the bench next to my grandmother and i. i looked up and to my surprise, it was Johnny Carr! We used to go to church with him! of course, i was 8 at the time, so i knew he didnt recognize me..so i said "HEY!" and then followed that with "I'm becca gosey!" and he then knew who i was and said he'd never have known it was me. Johnny used to lead a lot of things for the kids at Curtis Baptist Church during the summer..i was one of those kids. He and his oldest son, Jeremy, were there for the concert. Jeremy is a youth minister now at a church in the area and is attending the new orleans semenary via atlanta extention center.
anyhow..on with the news.. Johnny asks me what i'm doing and all..and i tell him about my desires to open a coffee shop and he asks "like..a downtown coffee shop?" and i can tell he's got some great idea in his head at this time..so i'm like "yeah, probably. i'm not realy sure yet where, or when, or how..but yeah" and he starts telling me about this old closed theatre building across from the imperial theatre on broad street in Augusta. He told me that he's talked to the man that owns it..and he doesnt want to sell it...but he has told Johnny that he would sell it to HIM if it were to be used for christian events and such. Johnny wants to use it for a family oriented thatre company sort of thing for kids in the area. he told me that he'd already talked about how the lobby area would be absolutely *perfect* for a coffee shop. he said that the front is in great condition still, though the theatre part needs a lot of work. he says its all marble floors and has 1940s decor. mmmmmm
so...if he and i could get these dreams put together...wemay be onto something great!
the guy wants 350,000 for the whole place..but johnny wants to talk him down to 200,000...and maybe get curtis Baptist to buy it for use for passion plays instead of having to rent the imperial for 1000 per day for a week every year.

anyhow..i'm going to be praying about that..and checking out what i can do about money and stuff..this is the motivation i need!

ALSO..he asked me about what i play musically..and i barely had time to mention that i just got a cello before he was all excited asking me to come play with the orchestra at Curtis because theyve been praying for a cello player to come to them! ack! again..motivation i need! i'll probably visit the church soon and see if he can give me a copy of the music to see how dificult it may be to learn.

ACK!

*breathes*

so....my computer died. the hard drive was completetely wipped...so...i'm glad that i've got a lot of my writings and things on the internet..such as this.
it couldnt have happened at a better time..because i'm at a point right now where there wasnt a lot of stuff on that drive that *needed*
sure, there were things i liked to go back and look at..and i'll miss that. and there were pictures i'd scanned and now won't have in digital formats..but its not the end of the world by any means. i think the largest loss is that i'll have to retype the resumes i'd just updated the day before the thing died. (i KNEW i should have printed those that night!)
i'm not even that worried about having lost a ton of MP3s.
i just realy am not that concerned about it at the moment.

so...i'll be using grandma's computer while i'm there. dont expect me to fall off of the face of the earth.

so..on moving.
i'm about to move to my grandmother's...hoping to leave tomorrow.
i'm not going to say it is for any certain length of time. it's kind of on a trial basis for now.
this is good..and bad at the same time.
good because i dont have to worry if i dont find my niche there. i can always go someplace else or come back home.
bad because it makes it difficult to know what to do about my bank account and looking for a job and things of that nature.
i'm still trying to figure out if i'm going to open an account there, or here where my parents live...neither feel very permanent..
*shrugs*

those of you that pray...pray for me and my grandmother as we try this out. pray for my church hunt in north augusta, pray for wisdom for me as i decide what to do about money and jobs and such, and pray for my parents as they watch me drive away. thanks. We all need it.

the end

weekend rotation:

(i already posted this in a vagrant cafe reply...i'm putting it here too)

i just got out of bed.
today i am...

wearing:
-white tank top
-grey knit shorts
-glasses
-hair a mess in a bun
-slightly sunburnt ears and back
-almost flaked off temporary Finding Nemo tattoo on my back

listening:
-chasing furies-with abandon
-the sound of the moody station blaring from my parents' radio in the living room.
-occasional little voices of the 8 year olds in the room next door pretending something or another

thinking:
-plans to hang out with springstead are off now..which makes me glad i didnt get up and get dressed before he called. turns out he's stuck with his little niece and nephew plus recovering from taking his youth group to six flags...so yeah. now i've got no plans for the day...but it was cool to get to talk to him for a little while...his two year old niece too!
-my back is at that itchy stage of the burn..eek
-daddy opened up the pool in the backyard today...hrm..maybe i'll have something to do after all. sure..its only 3 ft deep..but at least its wet.
-i've been ropped into helping with vacation bible school next week after all. i'm now the music assistant.
-mom doesnt think i'll be ready to move out by the end of the week. i'm pretty set on getting out of here that soon...i had hopped to leave sooner..but now this VBS thing came up..so...maybe saturday...i hope. *shrugs*
(ouch..that made my back sting)

thats all

i dont usually put these things in my blog...but this one was so amusing i had to share...


YOU ARE MARRIED TO A WoODCHUCK!!!


what's YOUR deepest secret?
brought to you by Quizilla

oh yeah...graduation happened yesterday. i'm out of college now. its kind of a strange thought....everything happens so fast in life.
now its time to tackle the immediate situation: unpacking and sorting through all of my junk...hoping to get rid of a lot so i dont have to store or move as much next time.
i'm sleepy...
gotta go get ready for church now.

voice jury at 12:30 CST..then i am done!
its just about time to celebrate

well..only three things left to do!
of my 11.7 hours and 7 classes...i only have three finals to take next week:)
strings class had the final two weeks ago, tennis met for the last time on monday and has no final, chorale has no final, and this morning i discovered that i wont have a counterpoint final either! so all i have left are two juries and a music in worship final.
as of tuesday afternoon i will be finished and ready to walk across that stage!

so..this weekend i will practice and study and visit with people i wont get to see much of after i leave..

in case you were wondering, though..the Lean Cuisine Sweet and Sour chicken diner tastes very very orangey..and i dont like it.

someday i hope to get over myself...for at least thirty minutes..and see beyond me...

somedays it seems as though i cant find the faith to grasp firmly and pray for the things i need...and instead i let go of the hope for fear of disapointment.

somedays i hide within myself....it doesnt mean i dont want to be found.
i want to be found..more than anything else...i want to be seen where i am...vulnerable on the stairs in my own pity..i want to be found there and understood. i dont want to feel like i have to wipe away the tears before they are seen, smile, and say i'm doing alright. i want to be real and exposed...
but where are you?
its hard to find a friend.

endings....

things are starting to come to a close.
monday was my last strings class.
next monday is my last day of tennis.
only three assignments left in my church music class.
i only have two sundays left at westminster.
only one more full week of classes.
only three songs to work on in voice.
one remaining chorale performance.
two or three carpenter's wood features.

after all of these endings i start a brand new beginning

1. i love getting handmedown clothes! these jeans were jeans that steph doesnt wear anymore..too long for her..so i cut them off to bweka height and now love them. i also got two comfy dresses and a couple of shirts. yay for my roommate cleaning out her closet:)

2. recitals at coffee shops are wonderful. a bunch of dr dean' string players played at java werks tonight..only they mostly didnt play their stringed insturments...one violinist sang, and another played guitar..a bassonist played keyboards, and there was an upright bass and some drums (not sure if the drum players were string players as well or not) it was all spanish music and marvelous. rossio has a beautiful voice with so much flavor to it..i just cant describe the sounds she made tonight, realy.

3. strings final-we didnt even have to play because dr dean had to come to the coffee shop at like..8:15...so he had a guy named padro come in and give us our written test. he was quite amusing as far as chillean sting players go.

4. i'm so anxous to get to north augusta and just get that much closer to having this coffee shop thing put in motion. getting there and getting some cashflow in the form of a job..hopefully a coffee related job..just absolutely thrills me..i do hope these things work out! i was talking to audrea a few minutes ago about all of this and how it could pan out..i'm just so exctied about the adventure. i so believe this is going to happen..mainly becuase the idea seems so out of nowhere..and so not possible on my own..it makes my eyes light up to think about how God is able to provide for all of this!

rejoice:)

here it is..another update..and almost within a week of the last one! oh my!
watch out kids, i'm kinda sneaky like that... *wink*

(too bad fer didnt invent the use of the word "kids" in that form..because if she had she could somehow work out a royalties thing i bet. )

Its the end of another Easter.
i'm roughly 15 now (spiritualy speaking, that is)
i'm convinced that my granddaddy is at least 3.
(see the b section of this)

i took my car full of stuff home thursday evening in preparation for graduation/moving day.(may 17th!!!!!!!)
i love how much i can fit into my little honda hatchback. i actually managed to put everything in some sort of out of the way order before returning to hattiesburg, too. i'm proud of that. Now if i can only bring myself to focus on finishing the year...rather than being so anxious towards that end.

Elijah is comming together. not as nicely as i'd like it to...but considering the group..its a lot better than we may have expected it to be looking at past recent experiences. at any rate..all we have left are two rehearsals tomorrow and a performance on tuesday night. ready or not, here we come. the hardest part about it is the fact that the program is almost two hours long. thank God for intermission, eh.

after rehearsal tonight nick, michael, and nathan, and i went to buffalo wild wings for some food..because we'd all neglected to eat before our two and a half hour 7:00pm rehearsal. for some reason the place was closing early tonight, so when we walked in we were told to go ahead and order soon so they could close the kitchen. by the time i went to refill my drink, they had emptied the machine and one of the guys working there just stood there and watched me try to get Barqs and watched the machine spray carbonated stuff all over me...THEN he tells me its already been emptied. thanks a lot mister short guy.
it was fun watching mike and nate sweat as they split a 24 order of mild wings. aparently the mild isnt so mild, or they were misunderstood.
we knew it was time to leave when they turned all the tvs to static and we were the only people left in the dining area.

nothing realy great...or moving...or exciting to talk about...but there you have it.

thoughts from the middle of a metal staircase....
"My head feels so jumbled...longing to pour itself out in concrete thoughts, but unsure how those thoughts fit together. I long to have real communication with someone or to sit in a silence with someone who knows me. Untill then, I pull farther and farther away from relationships where I am only known a little. I find myself prefering to be alone in a room full of people that absolutely do not know me than to simply socialize with people I have known for years. I want something real, something deep, some connection with another...or nothing at all."

i've just come to a point where so much seems so...surface..so superficial....and i think i'm tired of it.

i realise that a lot of what i thought about last night was influenced by the emotional state that the play last night left me in....but i needed to think about it.

recital pictures
(some may have not seen them yet, somehow)

drag the link to your browser's address bar..that should do it.
no. 1: singing
no. 2 me with my accompanist and my voice teacher
no. 3 flowers from my wonderful roommates
no. 4 i look like i am singing
no. 5 my with christymir and her bryan

i'm horrible about keeping this thing up to date!
tonight...i finished my assignment that is due tomorrow..i practiced cello and guitar all afternoon...the cafe is down..last i checked there was nothing new at silver-lined...so i guess i have no excuse not to update now.

I'm sitting here enjoying an (instant) chai latte. Its not as delicious as the real thing....but it'll do.

I have come to the conclusion that i have had a bad case of senioritis since even before i began college. I've been so ready to get finished with this part of my life and find out what happens next that I barely stopped to enjoy a lot of what has been right here right now. The days of my freshman year are so clear in my memory...because they weren't so very long ago. ..and all of a sudden i'm regreting not taking Josh up on his offer to come with Him and Alma to the coffee house tonight. I get so school-focused... I'm so ready to pack up my things and begin taking them home again.
Its not that i dont absolutely LOVE this place. i DO love it. i wish that i could just live here with these people and hang out in the music building without having to worry about deadlines and classes and schedules. I long to just....BE.

So thats what i'm going to do...only...not here.
I'm going to take some time after I graduate..and just .be.
i'm not going to rush around to find a job.
i'm not going to make a schedule of my week.
I'm just going to let myself... .force myself....
to just .be.

...and then..after i've had time to be whatever that is...
i'll find new places to belong
and new things to do
and a new job
and a new church
and i new library card which i hope to wear the magnetic strip off of from frequent use.

now..if only i could get myself to stop looking so forward to that so much and live in the now for the next month or so....

two people have complained thus far at my lack in up updates...so here's an update for you both to enjoy:

I've been realy busy with the new term starting and getting ready for my hearing and all of the stuff going on in the music department.
but now it is spring break

i'll address the music department issue now, since it was the last thing i talked about in my blog entires...
the music department is doing okay. everyone is working hard to keep on top of things. the music faculty is pulling extra full loads to make up for the loss...but we're going to be okay. i still do not understand cutting the instrumental department (brass, woodwinds, percussion) i do not see how that will help the enrollment problem one bit...but that is the descision already made and there is little i can do to change that descision....so i'm just going to keep going and help everyone keep their heads high.

as far as the new term goes...i have much to look forward to:
my class schedule includes: tennis(my only nonmusic course), chorale, counterpoint (16th and 18th century style..i believe), christian worship/music in worship and evangelism, voice, guitar, and strings (im playin the cello!)
The chorale is doing Mendelssohn's Elijah this spring..and i am very excited about that. Dr. Roberts, my voice teacher, has taken the role as the interim chorale director and she is doing a fabulous job of teaching us this music. solo auditions were held yesterday...we'll find out after the break who gets what.
due to the instrumental program being cut at the close of the year, mr young has invited all previous band members to play in the spring concert..so after my recital is completed, i promised him i would come play my flute with them as time allows.

my recital:
I passed my hearing ...in which i performed all my my recital literature for the voice faculty and they were allowed to critique it and say whether or not i am ready to do the recital. they asked that i perform three of the pieces on recital class two days following the hearing in order to add a few things they'd mentioned, and now i have done that as well and am ready to do my recital. the date is March 18th at 7pm. if you cannot make it, please at least think of me and say a prayer for my nerves and preparedness between now and then.

no other news as of now.....i hope you two boys are happy with this new entry...since it was given at request. ;)

i have no idea what to think right now...
i suppose after today some things will become more clear...but right now i'm just rather dazed by what i've been told thus far.

what i've been told is that Dr. Valentine-the dean of music and chorale director- is gone, Mrs. Fortenberry-adjuct piano and voice instructor, accompanist to many ...including myself- is gone, and Mrs. Stringer-piano class teacher- is gone. Mr. Young-instrumental head and band director- and Mr. Cameron-woodwinds and music literature instructor- will be gone after this year. what the heck?

this stinks.