Tuesday, November 30, 2004

Fast change is arriving and slow change is moving out

im sitting here now in a super soft old green pull-over hoody because my house is kind of chilly and i, for some reason, opted for the hoody instead of pulling my heater over here and plugging it in. its kind of a nice "remember the college days" kind of chill....heh. WCC dorms...you kids remember those?

*strange little girl*

so...last night i revised my resume'. yup. i've been kind of keeping it secret that i'm looking to change my line of work...but here it is in my blog for all the world to read.

today i stopped by a smallish church which i've heard is looking for a new secretary (30 hrs a week) and filed an application. i met the pastor and his wife (she is currently filling the spot till someone is hired) and the pastor and i had one of those "i've seen you somewhere before" moments and figured out i've given him coffee a number of times. (its unescapable!)
i had a little bit of conversation with them and hope that it made a lasting mark on my name with them so i can be called back. the deadline to apply is tomrrow..so ii feel that being close to the end of the line makes me be the most easily remembered while they are reading over the forms next week....right?

tomorrow i'm going to apply for an administrative assitant position with the youth ministry at my current church. it actaully sounds like it is MORE work than the little church secretary job, but i realy dont know enough about either position to make a good call on that.

why church work?
well...i've always tended to enjoy office sort of work...helping dad at his office some when i was in middleschool....library work...music office stuff...i cant realy get my words around what it is..but i like it. i think i could enjoy it 30 hrs a week..honest.

"seven things that make a fulltime job in coffee abnormal from a full time job in a church office" or "what ive started to miss while working full time at the coffee shop" (in no particular order):
1. being able to finish one project before going on to another (darn customers getting in my way while im trying to finish inventory and brewing and calling people for interviews and ordering and keeping the schedule up to date....and...and...and)
2. having a normal schedule with days where you work and nights where you do non-work things and except for special things that come up...a repeating schedule every week.
3. not having to worry about whos on shift when youre not
4. sundays to focus on worship instead of on the currently set to "silent" cell phone beside me which will probably have 2 or 3 missed calls from work and if i look at it i'll not be able to think about anything else and if i dont look ill just not be able to think about anything else either. (thats the kicker...leave me ALONE on sundays...GEEZE (the store was closed every sunday for a year and every sunday for a year i didnt mind it one bit))
5. no more 16 and 17 and 18 and 19 year olds swapping shifts all the time and calling in "sick" on sundays and mondays after their fun weekends
6. its pretty likely that in a church, your boss isnt going to fly off with a horrid temper at any given moment at you for something that doesnt even involve you. pretty good chance that isnt as common.
7. can i remention the "normal schedule" bit? i liked it a lot. normal schedule...and weekends off!


my housemates dont know i'm loooking to change
my boss doesnt know i'm looking to change
no one at work knows i'm looking to change (except rebekah knew i was thinking of moving before)
my family knows....a couple of people at my church know...and the pastor at the church i applied at today knows.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Wie ist das Buch?

a note from lesson drei of my self-taught German lessons (thank you, library, for books like this)

"When the Germans say: Wie ist das Buch?-- 'How is the book?'--they are not asking about its health but for a descripion of its color, dimensions, etc."

so...Wie sind Sie?

Tuesday, November 23, 2004

i see red leaves outside my bedroom window
and its raining that gentle, constant sort of rain
the kind that soaks without flooding

(it should be noted that this is not my view..but dont we all wish it were?)

Monday, November 22, 2004

in july of last year i clung to this hymn's words...i think it wouldnt hurt that i do it again

Be Still My Soul
Words: Katharina A. von Schlegel
translated from German to English by Jane L. Borthwick

(stanzas 1 and 2)
Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Saturday, November 20, 2004

i was pondering something today....

if i could do something over again, this is what i'd do:
i'd NOT start college when i'm 17..i'd have spent that year in private lessons..and maybe taken my less favorite core subjects at a community college (science, math) while i was still at home to have gotten help from my parents on them and not to have had to ballance them with music classes.
i'd have started at WCC in august 2000 and finished in may 2004...with a perhaps better idea of who i am musically. as it was, i had just barely begun to grow in my voice lessons by my senior year. age is a huge factor in voices.

too bad i cant go back and do it all over again.
i have a library card!

i dunno why i take so long to do the simplest things...
finishing a book nick had checked out of the library motivated me to get my own card...so today i got one in about thirty seconds and then spent an hour or so browsing the stacks

i came out with...
1. Garrison Keillor:the book of guys
2. The Berlitz self-teacher: German
3. About a Boy (dvd)
4. Catch Me If You Can (dvd)

derek webb is currently a roaring bull on the markets and the economy

option 2 of my googlism title search: "derek webb is also planning on breaking into major motion pictures next year"

after a very long but good day of work...my back and feet are tired.

BUT i am now wearing comfy fuzzy blue slippers...and its raining slightly outside. (thank god its not inside, eh)

tomorrow evening im taking my brother to see derek webb with full band. its a week late birthday gift. i think we might have to have sushi night before the concert. its the day after payday, after all.

just thinking about last year at his one-man show....he said some truthful heavy stuff then..i think he should at least repeat those words...and maybe add some to the blow. and i think it will be good for me. and for the brother.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

today is yesterday's tomorrow

today was a long day at work (ten hours again)..but its all just fine...because afterward i ate redbeans and rice made by daddy and fell asleep on the couch with the tv on...then i went to my bed to finish reading High Fidelity...then i took myself to a cheap movie (Hero) (the gaurds are CREEPY!) and then i drove home with Pablo Honey turned up REALY loud with a big smile on my face. now i'm folding clean laundry (thank you, Rebekah, for the use of your washing machine...your detergent smells MARVELOUS!)

i've used too many capital letters in this entry. now to add the links!

tomorrow is friday...the day for which i spend all of my pent-up creative energy planning the perfect non-uniform clothing combinations to wear at work on the one day im allowed to do so.
tomorrow is friday...payday.
tomorrow is friday...robert is interviewing four applicants who seems promising.
tomorrow is friday...i get to sleep in
tomorrow is friday...i get a real saturday off to look forward to afterward.

Friday, November 12, 2004

i used to keep a journal...much like this. It was on a computer but not online. It was locked. It was the first time i discovered how freeing it is to write to the sounds of a clicking keyboard. It was when i found this voice that thinks almost as fast as i fill it. It is easier produced..less weary...less physical and more mental. Yes, sometimes it is good for the physical art of making script to be a part of the journaling process..but at times like this..when i don’t even know my own thoughts...the time it takes to get from head to hand through pen and onto paper in swoops and curls takes far too long and leaves one too much chance to eat the words instead.

Why do so many religions use flames, heat, and fiery colors within their worship? And music, too.
Why do i feel like sitting close to my space heater, burning incense, and watching a flame dance
while i listen to someone else sing songs which might tell me what to feel?

Am i going through an adult crisis of belief point? I don’t think so.
I mean...i do sometimes find myself pondering how strange we look at church doing our prayers and singing our praises to this creator whom to some seems absurd and made-up. I mean...wouldn’t it be horrible if the whole thing were a farce that everyone’s been lead to believe? What if we aren’t as certain as we say we are?
How do we make this look less absurd to them? right here its what everyone does...and its what youve always done...but someplace else you have to make a choice to be seen absurd.

I waste too many peoples time with my brain spews...i cant imagine that they really give a rip
anyway. ill just give them to you here, now. It feels less selfish and a little closer to actually praying...and somehow i think i need to get closer to that feeling again...since it used to be all i was about.

What am i here for?
Why am i feeling so dissettled?
Who or what am i waiting for? and where am i going next and how and when and what if it IS without my parents approval?

all i can think about lately is changing.
I’ve changed my hair multiple times. I have seriously considered changing my piercings. I got overly excited about what changes i could make for a Halloween costume. I’ve changed my speech patterns and habits. The other day i even noticed that my handwriting has sort of changed in the last few months. Im always looking for ways to change my room or how i spend my time in it..or what im reading or what time i get out of bed..what time i go to bed...what i eat.

What am i setting myself up for?
What kind of future am i readying for?
I can imagine so many things
I’ve already imagined a hundred careers and dreams for myself feeding from what i do and have done and enjoy and then seen them fade from my memory before they came to be and the one that i have now is half of what i always wanted and im sick of what its doing to me..at least tonight i am.

I remember saying “i know exactly what i am doing until may 17th 2003 and then its a huge blank” Well...i just kind of wish i could crawl backward into the other side of may 17 2003 and be that girl who knew exactly what she was doing. I don’t know what the bloody hello im doing and i don’t like it so much right now.

(end of stream of consiousness entry)
I’ve been trying to figure it out for months now.
"what?" you ask?
I’ve had this looming feeling that something needs to change..that i need to relocate or reorder or redefine...something about my life..and i havent figured out yet what it is...but its on the verge of making me feel rather miserable. tonight im sitting here in my room with a knot in my chest because i don’t exactly know what i want from life or to put into life...and i feel as thought if i only knew what it is im supposed to do..to change..that the knot would shrink and I’d feel a little less displaced.
did you hear that? i feel displaced..or misplaced..or at least not where im supposed to stay.
i consider sometimes saving up all my extra money by eating only the cheapest things and selling everything i don’t need....giving my two weeks at work after I’ve saved what I’ve figured is enough to last me a little bit..and then hitting the road to find something..or at least change what im doing and live a little more...and maybe I’d find myself someplace i feel placed.
i guess where im at now feels safe..and it feels like it *could* stay this way for a while and I’d survive...but i don’t feel EXCITED about it. i miss being excited about where i am and what I’m doing there. and im so not excited that it brings me to tears to realize it.

Thursday, November 11, 2004

here is what might be coming up between october 1 and december 31

maybe part of what i miss is that i cant find a place to be invisable here....i've always had that...and here, i dont. the places i enjoy going to be alone are places where its inevitable that someone i know will end up.

where can i go?

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

i should have posted this a week ago...but here it is now...enjoy the linkage :)

charlottes vote song

vote vote vote
unless you are a goat
cause goats cant vote
vote vote vote
unless you are a candied yam
cause candied yams cant vote
vote vote vote
unless you are a donut
cause dounts cant vote
vote vote vote
unless you are a potted plant
cause potted plants cant vote
vote vote vote
unless you are a fellon
cause fellons cant vote
vote vote vote
unless you are a can of ham
cause cans of ham cant vote.

have is love

i have a tall comfy bed which i cannot feel the springs in

i have a new heater in my room to make my toes toasty

i have java chip ice cream to make my mouth and insides happy

i have clean laundry...except for what i wore today at work is very much non clean

i have sold seven books on half.com

i have a new pair of dark jeans so i can obey dress code rules at work without wearing stupid looking pants

i have organic cleaning supplies

i have ten days to finish reading High Fidelity

i have a feeling i'll work on that some this afternoon and perhaps a lot tomorrow

i have tomorrow off

what have you?

Sunday, November 07, 2004

Application to Date and/or Marry Miss. Rebecca "bweka" J. Gosey

Please copy and fill out completely, specify which position you intend to apply and return completed form along with a .jpg image of your eyes and a .jpg image of you looking fabulous (by definition of Becca) to: coffeegirl @ platypi007 . net and jennylynne @ silver-lined . com . your submissions will be fully reviewed and promising candidates will be notified for interview. (If digital photo forms are not available, contact Becca or Jennifer via email for mailing address. Mix albums may also be sent via postal service for extra points.)

1. What is your name?


3. What is your quest?

4. What is your favorite colour?

5. Birthplace:

6. Current residence:

7. Occupation:

8. Desired Occupation:

9. Biggest Dream:

10. Father's full name:

11. Mother's full name:

12. Have you ever plead guilty of a crime? If yes, please describe:

13. Do you presently partake in any illegal drug usage?

14. What are your views on alcohol consumption?

15. Arrange in order preferred: (a)pets, (b)plants, (c)books, (d)movies, (e)recorded sound,
(f)instruments to make sound, (g)visual arts

16. What does the “J.” stand for? Are you sure of that?

17. Describe your last meaningful encounter with a child:

18. If you were given a choice between:
(a)playing scrabble (b)playing solitaire (c)playing super mario brothers for Gameboy
...which would you choose?___

19. Have you ever or do you ever plan on going to Germany? | yes | no |

20. Please place the following in the order you would most prefer (last being the least preferred
(a) a week in any large city of your choice in which you take in all the sights, a few shows, some
shopping and really great food..
(b) a carefully mapped road trip coordinating stops with friends on the way and avoiding hotels
and motels as often as possible.
(c) a tropical cruise vacation getaway
(d) an extended tour of Europe...long enough to see everything and fall in love with it.
(e) holidays spent with family/friends whom you do not often see

21. Of the following choices, what is the proper spelling:___
(a) colour (b) color (c) coler (d) colur
(e) kolour (f) kolor (g) kohler (h) kohlour

22. Suppose that you are passing a coffee shop. The air is filled with the scents of coffee as it
roasts. You _______
(a) stop and breathe deeply, savoring the aroma..step inside and purchase yourself a beverage
(b) complain about the price of coffee today and continue on your way
(c) exclaim that coffee is the devil
(d) think about Becca and wonder what she’s doing right now...then give her a call.
(e) you have no opinion of coffee

23. Recall any conversation you have had with Becca and discuss it here in a way that will prove
to her that you aren’t making it up:

24. Becca has always wanted to sing in a band...could you help her get a hook-up with something
like that?

25. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares why does he keep doing it?

26. Do you own a suit?___. If yes, what colour(s) is it?____________When was the last time
you wore it and what was the occasion?

27. What are, in your opinion, the top five favorite written works? why? How have they
influenced you?

28. List 15 movies and why you have included them in the list.

29. List 12 albums within your collection which most accurately represent the spread of genres
and styles in your taste.

30. In an essay of at least 200 words answer this question: “What are the most delightful
qualities about Becca, and how did you discover them?” (Please attach at the end of this form)

31. Please give 7 references not related directly to you (also at the end of the form)
(DON'T put parents, brothers, aunts, grandparents, etc)
Must include: names, addresses, email addresses (if available), years known, and
relationship to applicant.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

i went to best buy yesterday afternoon. the guy in the dvd department remembered i'd been there the night before looking for something and found it for me. i purchased nightmare before christmas yesterday afternoon. and i watched it. and i watched the special feature additions....tim burtons early works and such. yay! happy times were spent on a tuesday afternoon :)

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

dial is a free access one

goodbye highspeed internet

Monday, November 01, 2004

why is origami so good for you?

why do i do it? (not origami...tahts just my googlism-created title)
why do i get sooo deeply interested in things
and then completely forget about them?
ive done it with so many things....
i wont even start yet on all of the music stuff...guh!
and then there's drawing and painting. i got this specific size desk and put my monitor NOT on it so i could leave it clean of things and sit at my bedroom window to draw and paint..and ive done that MAYBE two days in the last 9 months.
i have a section in my browser bookmarks labled "german resources" where i was attempting to REALY sit down and expose myself to germany and its language and culture and i was even looking into doing an abroad sort of program if i found one that fit my budget and needs... then i just kind of...left the links alone.
i acquired a cello nearly two years ago...took a strings class...aspired to pay for cello lessons after moving to augusta...and now it sits in my closet behind scarves and belts...never touched.
i have piano lessons, flute lessons, and guitar lessons all in my past.
i have books ive begun and never finished.
i have books lined up behind those...waiting to be read.
i have mix album playlists being planned.
i have boxes of things to be sold.
i have stories i started writing.
i have relationships i let grow cold...

why? i'd call myself "well-rounded"...but maybe "incompleted" fits me better?

november is one more reason to be

goodthings: setting otuside on my friends front porch with a bucket of snackpacked sunflower seeds and a bowl of candy. being dressed as a black and white film star. little kids dressed as pirates and spiderman and pricesses wandering up through a cloud of smoke-machine-induced smoke.

badthings: waking up at 4:55am to get ready for work. casually checking your calender before getting dressed to find that YOU DONT WORK 'TIL TWO IN THE AFTERNOON!
and then going back to bed thinking "i could have gone to the movies last night with jennifer and russ and luke and daniel if i'd known....ZZZZZZzzzzzzz"

so now its 12:26 and im sitting here in my jammies not at work yet :)