Sunday, October 12, 2003

on with the promised reflecting...

i was sooooo excited about my trip to hattiesburg. i dont know exactly what it was about going that i wanted so badly..but i just *needed* the trip. part of it was loneliness..part of it was closure..and part was just missing people i hadnt seen in months.

for starters...hanging out with michael on saturday was great..but it wasn't like "old times"..and i'm glad. i cant live in what used to be anymore and i am starting to understand that better. so...i'm letting things become new things instead of hanging onto the old. i think that is what my entire move to south carolina has been about...mainly...thus far.

the rest of the drive from mom and dads house to hattiesburg on saturday night i was overwhelemd with what this trip was going to do to me. i actually began to get scared that i'd want to stay once i got back there with my old friends. driving down highway 17 i started crying real tears over this fear of something that i didnt even know would or would not happen.

sunday night and monday morning spending time with people from school while they were at school made me realise more that i dont want to be back there and i'm absolutely certain that i wouldnt have wanted another year in college. there arent many people i related to left there anymore. people always rag me about how quickly i finished..some of the staff even try to say that i still belong there...but when you're ready to're ready.

monday night nick and i went to see skot and i honestly wasnt sure how that was going to go...we havent seen much of each other since last winter when we broke up. the visit was good, though. not overly awkward...its good to know that we're past that now. but it was strange not to hug him when we left...i'll admit that. though, it would have felt stranger to have actually done so. Its good to know that there is no hurt left there. (i hope its the same for you)

tuesday with haley and julie and alex was so much fun. it was great to get to spend real time with julie again and to get to know alex better. it was good to see for myself how well they are doing. scrabble with haley in java werks was nescesary and good...and almost felt like last year again...but neither of us belong in hattiesburg anymore..we fooled ourselves into thinking we lived there again for those couple of hours over coffee. but none of the friends i spent time with on tuesday seem to belong in hattiesburg anymore either...haley is gone, julie and alex may move, nick wants to leave for school, and i'm not there anymore either. the best day of my trip was the most proving.

so i'm moving on with this chapter of my life...and i'm going to learn from it more of who i am as just *me*...and i'm going to stretch myself..and i may be sometimes miserable...but i'm going to enjoy it all the same.

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