Wednesday, June 26, 2002

i can't remeber who it was that counted down to events by "sleeps"
the number of times she would sleep before something happened
it may have been christy.
one sleep til i will be on the way to st louis
six sleeps till i'll be headed for omaha
eleven sleeps till i'll be home again.
its got the removed-from-reality feeling
like the frist time we went to cornerstone...
and we didn't believe it till we saw the registration trailers

Monday, June 24, 2002

i completely do NOT want to go to work today....

oh well...only two days...then i get to go off and forget about it for a while

Sunday, June 23, 2002

when good things just fall apart

some friends of mine are getting divorced...
this is the first time someone in my own peer group has come to anything like that.
all the people i've know to get divorced have been like..parents of friends..or people of that age.
this is so strange
i've seen them together
i've seen how much he loves her
i've seen how happy they were
or so it looked
i've seen so much that they've come through together.
things that i thought would make them stronger
but it broke them.
this is so sudden
so unexpected
dont you usually see this sort of thing comming?
i dont know completely what to think

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

[a journal entry:]
I wont let rain put a lid on my worship or thought many times do we look at things as obsticles or closed doors, when all they are is an invitation to change a tradition?
I planned on taking a walk tonight--to get myself moving in a couple of directions at once, as soon as i opened the door to leave, it began to rain. I waited a few minutes for it to let up..but instead the rain came down harder and the thunder boomed.
I decided to use the rain as another opportunity to think, pray, here is sit, in a camp chair on the sidewalk by the apartment (its covered here) my legs are covered by a mist as it blows in on me, it cannot hinder me.
Change builds and produces creativity.
Creativity comes from a mind awake to possibilities.
A mind awake to possibilities is at an idel possition to see God at work.
[/end journal entry]

After i wrote this, i walked up and down the apartment sidewalk.
i reached out and let the rain gather in the palms of my hands.
i watched as people ran from their cars to their apartments, hoping to stay as dry as they could.
i watched a spider rebuild her web.

an odd thought hit me after i came inside....
you see, just before i began to leave the apartment for my walk, i came across a large spider on the kitchen floor. counting his legs he was probably about 2-3 inches wide
i freaked out! i ran to put on some shoes, i stomped on the spider, then jumped a few times, i probably cursed, even.
then only 15 to 20 minutes later, i peacefully watched another spider only feet from my home.
i dont understand why it is so different from one situation to another.

at anyrate...i'm going to go drink my tea now
~consider this like waves on the shore~
a little discontent

Sunday, June 16, 2002

it has been exactly two weeks since i painted anything
it has been two weeks and a day since i began painting

one statement makes it sound as though i've had a lapse in creativity
the other makes it sound as though i've just begun

i've been doodleing
drawing with pencil a lot
faces are my challenge
i am determined to draw faces that look like normally shaped humans
not disfigured with disproportioned noses and foreheads
ive begun a project to help me in this journey
i'm calling it the NamelessFacesOnPaper project
i dont know how many faces will be in it
it could go on for the rest of my life
and end up spread all over the world
through letters and sweetener packets
and any other pieces of paper i draw on
eventually it could even get big enough to deserve a domain of its own
and people who received a face from somewhere could visit the site
and match the face they found to one on the site
i dream big
then i forget about it
we'll see
i'm just going to take this as it comes and learn from what it brings

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

just checking in so as to keep things flowing a bit
monday the church secretary called to find out what church i'd come from
tuesday i recieved a packet from the church
letters from the ministers
information on whats going on
where to get involved
and a chicken spegetti casserolle!
i'm remembering more names
making more connections
feeling more at home
just letting you know its good
is all

and...i think i aced my bio test last night!

too much is flowing well lately..
something's got to fall out of swing soon
thats how it normally goes...right?

Monday, June 10, 2002

i did it
i moved my membership tonight
a few weeks ago the thought hit me that i could do it
that this could be a place for me
i've begun to get more invovled and to talk to people more
to invest a bit more in this church
this evening during the invitation i had this unbearable urge to go forward and join
and i knew that if i let that time pass and the service end without obeying that call...
it would be a mistake..and i would feel it
there is no doubt in my mind that this is the right place at the right time

it feels wonderful to know that i have not silenced God's word to my heart
sometimes it seems he's so quiet that maybe i've forgotten how to listen
and then he speaks perfectly clear
and i listen
and i cannot do anything but follow his direction

its strange, though
they got my address and phone number..
they took my picture
and then i was set free
no questions asked
i hope i'll hear from someone at the church during the week
i'd hate to think that they dont even ask about new members' beliefs or find out what their spiritual state is.
i know what my beliefs and state are.
i know that i'm saved
but i didnt tell them that
what if i'd been comming forward to find out about salvation?
they didnt even ask me

....still..this is where i belong....for now

ps...i got a lot of hugs :)
correction: new door is teal green
i'm still driving my car around with the old door bungeed and tied in place
i have to climb across from the passenger side
over the parking brake and the transmission shift thingy
its not very ladylike or graceful
it will be a couple of weeks before i can get home for daddy to put the new one on

Saturday, June 08, 2002

what i've learned over the last 20 years....
my daddy can fix anything

he's in tuscaloosa buying me a new car door
its going to be WHITE
mom says i should paint it in some abstract way

Thursday, June 06, 2002

i think my brain is starting to think again...slowly
i need to change my daily routine to allow more time for it
i honestly dont let myself stop and think for any real period of it stands now.

i remember when i used to set aside like 30 mintues to an hour each night for thinking
be it taking a walk
laying in the middle of my floor in the dark
hiding on my stairwell
i knew how to take time to think.
i need to do that again....starting...when?

i cant use my blog as my excuse. it takes maybe 15 minutes max to add to my blog.
and a lot of that is spent worrying with spelling and where i should break lines and what i should say next.
real thought doesn't flow that way.
i just need to ...go... and think
i will...i realy will

(...nothing ever begins right now...)

Monday, June 03, 2002

so...i learned to paint..overnight?

yesterday i bought a set of cheap watercolors
and painted a couple of rainy pictures with trees and clouds and ground

tonight in church i began doodling this idea that i had..i dont have any recollection what the sermon was about, but i know i heard God's voice in there.
on the way home i bought some new paintbrushes so i could have various sizes
then i began trying to create what was comming together in my mind.

and what it has become is something i feel i shouldnt even put my name on...
do you know that feeling after you've written something...and you read over it a few times and wonder where the words came from?

i'll descirbe it as best i can...
the view is raised higher than a normal standing person would see.
it shows a room of grey concrete walls as one would find in a castle or medeival chapel and hardwood floors hade of boards about 8-10 inches wide.
the observer can see two of the walls in the view presented.
there is no furniture, only a stained glass window on one wall. (the wall in the right side of the painting)
the window is almost rectagular but with a vaulted top edge. it is a blue-green swirl color with a brown cross in the middle, a gold star at the top, and red marks at the ends of the side and bottom crossbeams.
about 5 or 6 figurative feet in front of the window there is a slim girl facing the window with her back to the observer's eye.
she is probably about 13 wearing a plain blue dress. she has black hair tied into a ponytail by a bow which matches her dress.
she is bearfoot on her knees, with a her hands held in front of her and one beginning to reach towards the cross.

i cant believe i did this.
the depth and emotion in this painting are not something i've ever seen or imagined my hands to create.