Saturday, December 14, 2002

It has been said that i wont be able to access the internet on campus next week at some point due to an upgrade or repair they will be doing within the network. I dont know if this will be all week..or just a few days. If it is all week, i'll try to check email and stuff a time or two at my brother's appartment...otherwise..i'll talk to you kids a little during and a bit more after the holiday. Merry Christmas, everyone! Enjoy time with your families if you have that luxury. Dont eat too much food. Praise God for his intricate plan. Bubye

Thursday, December 12, 2002

It's been a few weeks since i've said anything at all here i am to say i'm still alive.

i took a world history test yesterday that i think i may have gotten an A or B on. i'll find out in about 5 hours. I passed 101 by the skin of my i'm pretty amazed at how good i feel about this test.

it's christmas time.
i put christmas lights all around our living room and bedroom. the living room lights are white and blue..the bedroom has the multi colored kind. There is just something about these lights that makes everything less stressfull. perhaps my roommates and i should discuss leaving them up all year.
Christmas shopping is an odd thing. i dont want people to feel like they have to buy gifts for each other..but i *love* buying gifts for people..its a good thing i'm a deal-finding kind of person...but the bad thing is...i would so much rather go christmas shopping and wrap gifts than to practice or study.

i've discovered a lot about myself through one of my roommates (stephanie) severely spraining her nkel last week. i've been helping her get around a lot..and getting things for her. She's got to be on crutches for probably 5 more weeks. She's learning to do a lot more things on her on...but a lot of things you wouldnt think about take help. Its a good thing i love that girl so much:)

Our Christmas program at school is tomorrow night. This week i've felt a lot more relaxed about it. I was placed in charge of publicity for the program and untill this week, i had that hanging over my head a lot...but the week fo a show...most of the advertising is done already. I hope i didn't leave any important things out. I didn't doa s much as i thought i was going to have to do...i hope it was all i was supposed to! i'm so scared that its going to come to 8:00 tomorrow night and hardly anyone will show up---and it will all be on my head.

well, i need to go...classes and stuff happen soon.

Monday, November 25, 2002

Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Ephesians3: 16-20
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge--that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
i'm okay
you're okay

surprisingly enough

Friday, November 22, 2002

I posted this on a message board earlier today...but it makes great blog material...realy

i have a bit of time to spare this here's a little bit of me as of late

we at WCC are in the 2nd week of the (aweful and completely unfocused) winter trimester. It seems as though everyone i know has been walking aroun kind of dazed all week. its so difficult to start a new term knowing you'll be out again after two weeks and then again after three more weeks.

Monday i found out that i'm in charge of Publicity for the music department christmas program which happens on December 13th. Being that we are out the entire week of thanksgiving, and the show is three weeks from tomorrow..i've had a lot on my mind this week pertaining to that. This job realy scares me beause everything is on a deadline. and Everything includes a great multitude of things. But Dr. Roberts (my voice teacher) tells me that Dr. Valentine (dean of the dept) chose me for it becuase he knows i can handle a crazy schedule and get things done when i'm supposed to.

I'm actively attending three churches...

I've taken on a position as a music intern at dr. Valentine's church, 45 miles from here. I began and lead a handbell choir on sunday afternoons. Their first performance is on December 15th. That will be interesting.
I've also taken on a scholarship position at Dr. Roberts' church as a choir member on sunday mornings.
Wednesday evenings i still attend the church a am a member of for small group bible studies.

I'm teaching my first ever voice student.

For one of my music classes, (Directed Teaching of Voice) i'm required to teach a voice student who has never had private study before. the midterm and final each consist of teaching a lesson in front of Dr. Roberts so she can grade my teaching. (eek!) I'm realy excited about this...i've already taught two lessons thus far. Its difficult to get beyond the musician's jargon we all use around each other and explain things on a beginner level. My student gets free lessons out of the deal, too

My senior recital is in less than 4 months and I graduate in under 6

If you've made it this far..please pray for my family in the next month or so...especially my grandmother. This is the first holiday season since granddaddy died.

thanks kids
i love you all

Tuesday, November 12, 2002

adding to the anxious things...

one of the classes i am taking this term is called "Directed Teaching of Voice" which means i have to teach a voice student myself! two out of 8 lessons will be taught with Dr. Roberts sitting there watching how i work...that is sooo scarry! eek!
We even have to turn in lesson plans each week.
I'm truthfully excited about getting to share some of what i've learned all these years with someone who may otherwise not be able to take lessons. the criteria for finding students was that it had to be someone who'd never had private voice lessons..and they get free lessons out of the deal.
My first lesson with my student (Chasity) is just over an hour from now.
The things that scare me the most right now are: 1. i'm going to be tape recording the lesson so chasity can listen to the warm ups and stuff during the week. 2. i fear that i'll end up using too much musical lingo and she wont understand what i am talking about. 3. i fear that i'll teach something completely wrong.
refreshing things:
-talking to fer on sunday night
-passing world history 101
-begining world history 102 (beginnings always feel so much nicer than endings)
-Fettichini Alfredo

anxious things:
-very expensive trips i want to is to germany and switzerland with dr wheeler, the other is to england with dr. eskew..both are far beyond the reach of my checking account..but i almost cry thinking about how amazing one of them would be.
-world history
-preparing the handbell choir for december 15th

Sunday, November 10, 2002

back from a week of nothing to do but be places i've never been and see things i've never seen.
a new term begins.
i still dont know how i faired in the last the skin of my teeth..
i begin anew
i must MUST must

i'll write in full thoughts now.
i spent last week in indiana with my roommate, my brother, and two other friends of ours.
we saw chicago and visited indiana university.
visiting the school only further showed me how ready i am to just be OUT of school for a while.
no graduate school is seen in my near future.
not because i can't do it...but because i dont WANT to.

i spent the lastpart of the break in Hammond, LA for NATS (vocal conference/contest)
i didn't get to see cheri and litha.
or skot...

(it was your birthday...sorry i missed it..
It kills me that i was so close to you the whole weekend..but couldnt get to you.
How did i become so detached from your life?)

I wish i could just press fast forward through the next six months
yet still excell in my school work.
time is not my own these days.
i now have four jobs... school... carpenter's wood...
...I'm part of three churches (two account for two of the previously mentioned jobs)
what? i have life to fit in as well?

God, help me.
perhaps i should have asked that to begin with.

Sunday, August 25, 2002

i've been keeping myself pretty occupied with non-computer things this week..its good for me..but i do miss talking to you..and you..and you.

we've almost got everything in place in the new appartment. i painted a cartoon of the four of us to hang on our kitchen wall:)
i'm working on remembering my schedule and getting things done in time for classes..i hate starting out feeling i'm trying to avoid that.
i have a lot of reading to do for school.

i'm working on order of focus.
i want to find some way to have time for:
knowing God.
taking care of my body and getting back into the clothes i own.
book work (assignments, readings, etc)
music actaully for my major, my senior recital.
other outlets: painting, guitar, drawing, writing.
and knowing people.

yeah..thats where i'm at now..i think.
i didnt realy think this out much...but i'm about to walk out the door it will have to do.

Friday, August 16, 2002

this is my last night officially living in the appartment with the guys.
i move back to campus tomorrow.
this is the last time i'll move to that campus.
i'm so very excited to be moving back to school.
i cant remember ever missing people so much.
i think i learned a lot last year about people.
i think i was too absorbed in myself and my own time to see them in previous years.
i miss the times last year when people would come see me in the listening lab..and we'd just talk..for hours.
i invested time in people
i invested words in people
i invested hugs in people.
i wont neglect those things.
i refuse to.
i will make more times..more memories like this.

It feels like every year gets better
i cant imagine what this year will bring...
and i almost feel bad for finishing in 4 years..
maybe that 5thyear could hold even more for me.
of course, it will hold a lot for me..just a lot of completely new things.
non school things.

i dont have a clue what my life is going to look like on may 18th.
i have a pretty good idea what i'll be doing with most of my time between now and then.
i know what classes i must take.
i know generally when those classes meet and who will be in them with me.
but i dont have any idea what the otherside of may 17th will be like.

i dont know where i'll live.
i dont know where i'll work.
i dont know who i'll invest my time in.
i dont know who i'll depend on for hugs from day to day...week to week.

i'm starting to see it like a christmas gift.
wrapped by the one who loves me more than i can ever imagine.
i know its going to be something wonderful.
i just can't yet know what it will be.
i'm anxious for it.
i keep playing guessing games with him,
hoping he'll let some of the secret slip.

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

i wanted to separate these thoughts from the previous entry...

the other day i was thinking about tears.
they are strange things.
i understand that the purpose of liquid in the eye is to cleanse them of dust and such..
but why do we cry when we are upset?
what physical aid do those tears falling from our eyes realy give?
why does crying make one feel any bit at ease about a situation?
does it?
if you know the answer, please share it with me...
my tears help add to my own confusion.
its been a while since i had anything to say here.
i've noticed that i've kind of withdrawn from the way i share things.
i've started to depend more on one-on-one communication, rather than posting my heart to the masses.
perhaps i've become frightened of getting hurt.

at any rate..
i've been listening to some songs that pull at my heart.
maybe i like the soft, soothing torture it brings.
maybe its good for me to feel these feelings surface again.

Sunday, July 28, 2002

please reassure me that dreams do not have to honestly reflect any reality at all.
i had a dream last night that greatly disturbed me.
i know that the actual happenings of the dream would never happen...
but i dont want to even believe the underlying meanings it could have.
it was so strange..and so unlike anything i'd ever think of..
and the fact that it involved someone i used to know...

the kind of dream you dont forget even when you want to.

Tuesday, July 23, 2002

i was reading through my journal last night...its funny how i go back and forth between feeling like i live in the future too much with all of my planning,
so i stop thinking about the future for a while.
then i start feeling like i need to make some plans in order to get things accomplished

its realy realy hard to find the balance between preparing for the future, and trusting that God will guide me in the right direction.

does trust mean that i just sit back and watch things fall into place?
How much planning am i supposed to let myself do?
its so hard..becuase in my past experiences..
most of the times i've tried to plan for what's comming, it changes before i get there.

And there are times when i am certain that i want something, so i go for it. i count on that happening.
then it falls away and i'm left to second guess everything i feel sure of.

such as...the coffee shop thing.
do i *realy* want to do this?
do i *realy* have what it takes in me?
do i have the ambition to stick with it even when things seem like they aren't going anywhere?
is it from God, or is it just a dream i've invented and convinced myself to be a reality?
why the heck am i getting a degree in church music?
what do i know about small buisinesses? (i know the answer to that one....*nothing*)

somedays i see all of this in me.
some days it all seems to make sense according to the way i've seen God work in my life and those around me before.
but some days i wonder if i'm just fooling msyelf into thinking this day dream could become reality.

i dont want to go into this with my eyes shut.
i dont want to do anything with my eyes shut.
so i'm sitting here wide-eyed and terrified...though i still can't see.
also...pretty much unrelated to the previous entry...
have i ever mentioned that i'm terrified of what is in front of me?
maybe its not realy there....
maybe i'm only seeing things...
with all of the temporary relationships in the world...
how does one know when they've found a permenant one?

Sunday, July 14, 2002

its definately time for some coffee and "away with myself" time

if it weren't for the few people whom i desperately long to stay in touch with, i would probably use a lot less of this aweful machine known as a computer. live in simpler times in a much smaller world
for some reason my blog isn't acting completely normal
i'm gonna ignore it, though

Thursday, July 11, 2002

i dont know why..but for some reason tonight i got the urge to do a search for appartments.
i looked for ones in new orleans...
i looked for ones in hattiesburg....
i even looked for some in st louis (i fell in love with some there..but only on the internet ;))

i *realy* have a longing to live by myself for at least a little while.
i graduate in one year.
so i guess i wanted to get an idea of how much it would cost me to live alone once i get out.
i figure if i can find a full time job, or a couple of part times ones where ever i end up living..i should be able to easily afford this.

this is only my attempt at planning some of my life...knowing my life as i could end up completely it usually does.

Wednesday, July 10, 2002

me: i'm realy tired..and am having a hard time focusing on anything for very long with much understanding...its annoying
me: i shoulda gone to bed earlier last night
me: i started to paint another picture when i got back from church tonight..but after i got a few parts of it done i completely lost interest in it and started just throwing drops of water and paint on it...
skot: yay
me: it was supposed to be a picture of my coffee house, it ended up having a person in the middle of it..who eventually got a gun in their hand...and i scrawled "i need coffee" across the whole picutre in two different colors
me: and everything is smeared because i didnt do it slow and let it dry..and becuase i plattered water on it
me: its odd
me: my annalysis: i am tired.
me: i bet a psychologist would say it had some deeper meaning
skot: you're angry at life and you want life to go bake you a death.
skot: or a banana.
me: ha
skot: and a straw with a lemon on both ends.
skot: what do you think its meaning is?
skot: is it an omen?
me: means i got too tired to think about what my coffee shop looks like, so i started painting a person in the midddle of it all and their hand smudged with some black and it looked gun-like..and then in a tired rant i went nuts seeing what splattered water would do..and then i ended the nutty rave
skot: so this is a painting of the instant just after someone shot himself.
me: the gun is pointed towards the its just after he shot the coffee girl
me: oooooo i know! it means i'm scared to death of my coffee shop
skot: maybe it means you were messy with paint today and smudged some black

Sunday, July 07, 2002

(this is my longest blog entry ever)

i bought a bound brown lineless journal just before leaving for missouri/nebraska.
all week long i was pretty good about keeping track of my thoughts with it.
here are some excerpts......and some additions
St Louis, June 26-July 1, 2002

Getting there:
*MPR-Morning Edition
*Rich Mullens-Songs
*Chaos Is The Poetry
*Pedro The Lion-Winners Never Quit
*Billy Joel
*Caedmon's Call

passed through: Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Holland, Missouri, Madrid, New Orleans
(inn), Charleston, Scott City and Scott Count, We Passed England, the Twin Cities, Maryland,
St. Charles, St. Ann, and Accidently went to Illinois!

shortly after our arrival at the Harris home, we went to Boarders where i bought a chai latte. a
cashier told us that it is a great idea to buy postcards to frame of send to people (she is so

the basement is always very dark.
we went to downtown...i saw a Jones Soda Co. Bus! (that photo is definitely going to be sent to
the jones folks)
we went to the arch..i got a great pic of nick standing near it...i’ll scan it some day.
Fer had to get some rest so she could work @ Target all night. I passed the time by sitting on the
garden swing in the harris' backyard. I got a pic of the bunny, and a few of the lovely sunset. I
also wrote a couple of postcards. (when i was a kid i was one of a the few who never bought and
sent postcards...look at me now?)

We originally planned on finding Forrest Park, going to the museum, possibly the zoo. we ended
up a The Loop instead:). I am in LOVE with the University City area. it's marvelous! beautiful
old houses/buildings. I'd love to own one and put a coffee shop in the bottom half. the area is
perfect for that sort of thing. In The Loop we went to Vintage Vinyl, where i bought Brave St.
Saturn and fer bought Quayle and two random CDs. Next we went to a hippy store just like
beautiful day, but with not music and no waterbeds. Nick bought some incense. on our way back
to the car we passed a little flower shop which sold little stalks of bamboo..nick had to get some
of that for his plant collection, too.

We had a wonderful afternoon hanging out with Tim(Coco) We met at Faust Park, where we
went to the butterfly house, walked around the park, watched a man make a chain link...
after deciding to find someplace indoors to talk, we found out from a grocery store cashier that
the only coffee shops nearby were we went to the nearest one, ordered some
drinks, and sat down to talk for a good three or four hours. Its rare that you come across truly
good conversations. I believe that in those hours, we had our share of them. We talked about life,
the church, where we're going...good stuff. Tim told me about a book i should read if i really
want to pursue my self-owned coffee shop. I'm looking into it.
Around nine, tim had to leave. fer, nick, and i went to the store to buy film and Jones Sodas.
(plus other indie drinks)

(i can't believe anyone would have read this far...)
church day--patriotic canned music & cheesy overhead pictures. I'm sorry..but no..I’m really not.
oh well.
(i bet that doesn’t make sense)
its okay, though..the evening made up for it....we went with fer to her handchime practice, where
she teaches 7 little girls. its sooo wonderful:) the littlest one is named Sarah and she reminds me
of a little 3rd grade Shanna Carey. (beware!)
Later we went to Creve Cour Park where i stepped in a hole and one of my sandals broke, so i
had to walk around with one shoe off the whole time. it was particularly challenging when
crossing the gravel parking lots...
At the swing set we met a Hispanic family from Texas (in town visiting friends as well) The 2nd
youngest child is the most beautiful little girl i have ever seen. i so badly wanted to photograph
her, but couldn't think of the proper way to ask a stranger for something like that.
We left the park, detoured by fer's house so i could put on shoes, then went shopping for more
sandals at my insistence (because i just could *not* spend a whole week wearing socks and
"Hey you, the kid is back, and i do declare that the sun is shining."

Omaha, NE July 1-5, 2002
*90.7FM Morning Edition
*Miles Davis-Round About Midnight
*U2-Auchland Baby
*Rich Mullens0Songs

been through: Louisiana, Mexico, Montgomery, Kansas City, Mexico City, Savannah, Oregon,
Oak Grove, Iowa, Hamburg, and Omaha, Nebraska
(Iowa and Nebraska being my first time in each)
2:20 pm, somewhere in northern Missouri in I-29: are these plains? The trees are so few. (shortly
after i wrote this, nick commented on how fewer the trees were in lodgepole when he was
there..geeze..I’d hate that)

When we arrived in Bellevue a lot earlier than planned (around 4 or 4:30...really) Becky was at we were given the tour of the house and talked to her sister and bro-in-law for a while.
when becky gets home around 7:30 the three of us left for the Pedro show...which..turned
out...didn't even start till 9! we sat on the sidewalk and talked...joel showed up...the doors
opened.. vagrants at the show: of course..nick, myself, becky, and Joel, kellyanne, Jenni, ryan,
Jesse, and Jill. The first two bands were all right. i don’t even know the first ones name..the
other was roadside monument..whom some people love..I’d never heard before this
show..though..and its really hard for me to get into bands i don’t know at a show when I’m
looking forward to one already. (However, i found myself paying a lot more attention to the
guitarists than i used to. i was trying to edge around to see his hands and stuff. maybe I’ve got it
in me. maybe i only play around..i don’t know.) For some reason i had this bitterness in my head
and heart through most of the first two In between Roadside and Pedro's sets, i sat on
the floor, brought out my journal, and was good..and it helped me clear my head of
some really hurtful thoughts i was having towards myself. but anyhow...
pedro's set was great..i bought the new album..yay. heh..when i told scott, he said "he plays that
really depressing music..right?" or something along those lines. and yeah..he's right. but i love it.
its funny how that was the one set i *didn't* feel depressed during at all...quite the opposite.
music is so strange and powerful...

This morning we went to the zoo to see the desert dome which we'd seen so much about in signs
on the way to nebraska...however, it wasn't that great...just large..empty..yet full of people. The
penguins in the aquarium were *wonderful* I've never seen such a great penguin exhibit before.
the ones in new orleans always looks kind of dirty and sickish. they even had penguins in an
outdoor exhibit in the grass! (Australian penguins)
After the zoo, becky told us we had a surprise and had to be there by 12:15, she brought us
across town where we met carole at Fazoli's for lunch of pasta, breadsticks, and salads, yay and
yummy. i had hoped all along that our surprise would involve carole snow:) i like her.
Becky and carole both had to work in the afternoon, so nick and i explored omaha on our own a
After Beck got home from work, we met Jillian at Zio's pizza in the Old Market. I didnt think the
pizza was that great, but thats quite alright. we walked around the old market, but all the shops
were closed. they showed us the infamous Passageway(which liz told me i MUST see) and then
we went to the park with the huuuge fountain. i love the fountain. i love hanging out with jill and
walking around that park. i love the large slides (though you couldn't tell from watching me go
down it that one time...)

(i stopped journaling at this i hope i don’t leave anything out...)
nick and i went back to the old market in order to actually go in some stores when they were
open, becky had to work. On the way back to beckys, i made nick stop at a building I’d seen so i
could take a picture of it. on the front of it in white brick it says "timmermann, est. 1924" its
interesting...i wonder if it has anything at all to do with any relatives of mine..and i wonder if i
will ever know.
we went to an Omaha Royals baseball game..mostly for the huge fireworks show at the end. and
GOSh it was huge. it compared nicely to the fireworks i saw in D.C. on the 4th, in '98.
After the game we went to walmart with becky and her mom, i bought 8 postcards, schlotzy's
salt and vinegar chips, and peppermint skittles.

Independence day..and becky's day off!
we went back to the zoo to see the rain Forrest..i loved it:) monkeys and lemurs are my new
friends...and the penguins...yes
it rained today, so we weren't able to go to Shakespear on the Green like we had planned on..but
thats alright, we hung out with Carole Snow again, instead. She drove us around town a little
aimlessly..then we wound up at Super Target (pronounced by carole: "Tar-jay" if it were
french or something) we helped her pick out p-jammas and a blankie so she could go to
"i-Oh-wa" city.
the fireworks in Bellevue are amazing and many.. lots of smoke.
my favorite part of the night was watching/listening as carole played my guitar.
(darn trevor and his "early to bed early to rise" life...)

friday and Saturday-
we left omaha Friday at about 11:30, stayed overnight with the harris' again, had ice cream with
left st louis at noon on Saturday..the afternoon was HOT but we made it anyhow. Its probably
best that way stayed so much later in st louis or we'd have had even longer in the hotter part of
the day..and less in the night time for our drive.

things that reminded me of cornerstone trips:
1. lunch at backyard burger in southhaven, MS
2. 3:40pm...we stopped at the "I’m a hobo" gas station
3. when we turned onto fer's street "there was a bunny"
4. sleeping on an air mattress all week
5. $3.99 used cd's
6. hippy stores
7. meeting vagrants
8. meeting other diverse people
9. the pedro show
10. spraying really stinky clothes with fabreeze so they wouldnt be so rank when i got them
11. vender food
12. feeling grossly hot on the way home

anyhow..if you read all of this i am still amazed...
I’m glad to have had the trip..I’m glad to be home again. i don’t know what next summer will
take me to.

(can you believe that i started typing this when i posted the previous entry? sheesh...over an hour
well...i'm back now
its funny that i went to church with nick this morning...because a few minutes ago i went out to my car to go to the evening service at my church..and my car wont start. thats what i get for leaving it alone for two weeks.
it would be nice to be able to count on my car.
all afternoon i knew i was either not going to be able to get to church, or i was going to have to find a ride home.
i knew my car was going to do this. funny that way

Wednesday, June 26, 2002

i can't remeber who it was that counted down to events by "sleeps"
the number of times she would sleep before something happened
it may have been christy.
one sleep til i will be on the way to st louis
six sleeps till i'll be headed for omaha
eleven sleeps till i'll be home again.
its got the removed-from-reality feeling
like the frist time we went to cornerstone...
and we didn't believe it till we saw the registration trailers

Monday, June 24, 2002

i completely do NOT want to go to work today....

oh well...only two days...then i get to go off and forget about it for a while

Sunday, June 23, 2002

when good things just fall apart

some friends of mine are getting divorced...
this is the first time someone in my own peer group has come to anything like that.
all the people i've know to get divorced have been like..parents of friends..or people of that age.
this is so strange
i've seen them together
i've seen how much he loves her
i've seen how happy they were
or so it looked
i've seen so much that they've come through together.
things that i thought would make them stronger
but it broke them.
this is so sudden
so unexpected
dont you usually see this sort of thing comming?
i dont know completely what to think

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

[a journal entry:]
I wont let rain put a lid on my worship or thought many times do we look at things as obsticles or closed doors, when all they are is an invitation to change a tradition?
I planned on taking a walk tonight--to get myself moving in a couple of directions at once, as soon as i opened the door to leave, it began to rain. I waited a few minutes for it to let up..but instead the rain came down harder and the thunder boomed.
I decided to use the rain as another opportunity to think, pray, here is sit, in a camp chair on the sidewalk by the apartment (its covered here) my legs are covered by a mist as it blows in on me, it cannot hinder me.
Change builds and produces creativity.
Creativity comes from a mind awake to possibilities.
A mind awake to possibilities is at an idel possition to see God at work.
[/end journal entry]

After i wrote this, i walked up and down the apartment sidewalk.
i reached out and let the rain gather in the palms of my hands.
i watched as people ran from their cars to their apartments, hoping to stay as dry as they could.
i watched a spider rebuild her web.

an odd thought hit me after i came inside....
you see, just before i began to leave the apartment for my walk, i came across a large spider on the kitchen floor. counting his legs he was probably about 2-3 inches wide
i freaked out! i ran to put on some shoes, i stomped on the spider, then jumped a few times, i probably cursed, even.
then only 15 to 20 minutes later, i peacefully watched another spider only feet from my home.
i dont understand why it is so different from one situation to another.

at anyrate...i'm going to go drink my tea now
~consider this like waves on the shore~
a little discontent

Sunday, June 16, 2002

it has been exactly two weeks since i painted anything
it has been two weeks and a day since i began painting

one statement makes it sound as though i've had a lapse in creativity
the other makes it sound as though i've just begun

i've been doodleing
drawing with pencil a lot
faces are my challenge
i am determined to draw faces that look like normally shaped humans
not disfigured with disproportioned noses and foreheads
ive begun a project to help me in this journey
i'm calling it the NamelessFacesOnPaper project
i dont know how many faces will be in it
it could go on for the rest of my life
and end up spread all over the world
through letters and sweetener packets
and any other pieces of paper i draw on
eventually it could even get big enough to deserve a domain of its own
and people who received a face from somewhere could visit the site
and match the face they found to one on the site
i dream big
then i forget about it
we'll see
i'm just going to take this as it comes and learn from what it brings

Wednesday, June 12, 2002

just checking in so as to keep things flowing a bit
monday the church secretary called to find out what church i'd come from
tuesday i recieved a packet from the church
letters from the ministers
information on whats going on
where to get involved
and a chicken spegetti casserolle!
i'm remembering more names
making more connections
feeling more at home
just letting you know its good
is all

and...i think i aced my bio test last night!

too much is flowing well lately..
something's got to fall out of swing soon
thats how it normally goes...right?

Monday, June 10, 2002

i did it
i moved my membership tonight
a few weeks ago the thought hit me that i could do it
that this could be a place for me
i've begun to get more invovled and to talk to people more
to invest a bit more in this church
this evening during the invitation i had this unbearable urge to go forward and join
and i knew that if i let that time pass and the service end without obeying that call...
it would be a mistake..and i would feel it
there is no doubt in my mind that this is the right place at the right time

it feels wonderful to know that i have not silenced God's word to my heart
sometimes it seems he's so quiet that maybe i've forgotten how to listen
and then he speaks perfectly clear
and i listen
and i cannot do anything but follow his direction

its strange, though
they got my address and phone number..
they took my picture
and then i was set free
no questions asked
i hope i'll hear from someone at the church during the week
i'd hate to think that they dont even ask about new members' beliefs or find out what their spiritual state is.
i know what my beliefs and state are.
i know that i'm saved
but i didnt tell them that
what if i'd been comming forward to find out about salvation?
they didnt even ask me

....still..this is where i belong....for now

ps...i got a lot of hugs :)
correction: new door is teal green
i'm still driving my car around with the old door bungeed and tied in place
i have to climb across from the passenger side
over the parking brake and the transmission shift thingy
its not very ladylike or graceful
it will be a couple of weeks before i can get home for daddy to put the new one on

Saturday, June 08, 2002

what i've learned over the last 20 years....
my daddy can fix anything

he's in tuscaloosa buying me a new car door
its going to be WHITE
mom says i should paint it in some abstract way

Thursday, June 06, 2002

i think my brain is starting to think again...slowly
i need to change my daily routine to allow more time for it
i honestly dont let myself stop and think for any real period of it stands now.

i remember when i used to set aside like 30 mintues to an hour each night for thinking
be it taking a walk
laying in the middle of my floor in the dark
hiding on my stairwell
i knew how to take time to think.
i need to do that again....starting...when?

i cant use my blog as my excuse. it takes maybe 15 minutes max to add to my blog.
and a lot of that is spent worrying with spelling and where i should break lines and what i should say next.
real thought doesn't flow that way.
i just need to ...go... and think
i will...i realy will

(...nothing ever begins right now...)

Monday, June 03, 2002

so...i learned to paint..overnight?

yesterday i bought a set of cheap watercolors
and painted a couple of rainy pictures with trees and clouds and ground

tonight in church i began doodling this idea that i had..i dont have any recollection what the sermon was about, but i know i heard God's voice in there.
on the way home i bought some new paintbrushes so i could have various sizes
then i began trying to create what was comming together in my mind.

and what it has become is something i feel i shouldnt even put my name on...
do you know that feeling after you've written something...and you read over it a few times and wonder where the words came from?

i'll descirbe it as best i can...
the view is raised higher than a normal standing person would see.
it shows a room of grey concrete walls as one would find in a castle or medeival chapel and hardwood floors hade of boards about 8-10 inches wide.
the observer can see two of the walls in the view presented.
there is no furniture, only a stained glass window on one wall. (the wall in the right side of the painting)
the window is almost rectagular but with a vaulted top edge. it is a blue-green swirl color with a brown cross in the middle, a gold star at the top, and red marks at the ends of the side and bottom crossbeams.
about 5 or 6 figurative feet in front of the window there is a slim girl facing the window with her back to the observer's eye.
she is probably about 13 wearing a plain blue dress. she has black hair tied into a ponytail by a bow which matches her dress.
she is bearfoot on her knees, with a her hands held in front of her and one beginning to reach towards the cross.

i cant believe i did this.
the depth and emotion in this painting are not something i've ever seen or imagined my hands to create.

Monday, May 27, 2002

i'm trying to make a regular thing of this

i'm starting to wonder if this extra job is realy going to work out. i am having the hardest time getting a time set up for the interview. i keep leaving messages on her cell phone, then i get in touch with her and she tells me to call back another time. gah! i understand that she is busy and thats what she is offering this position for. its just frustrating because i've been trying since friday to meet with her.

summer days seem so very short and long at the same time. there has been a lot of *nothing* to do..and when so much nothing fills a makes the day feel like nothing at all happened...short.
yet..i've done so little of what i started out the summer saying i would do.
i guess its still i realy shouldn't let myself feel behind already...its only beginning.
i suppose this is me trying to get a head start and i'm reminding myself that i will regret it if i dont get started now on reading the books and going for the walks and enjoying the summer.

i cant just sit here and wait for the big events to happen..its all the small ones that build up to the joy that is a remembered summer.
various people at various places have been reminding me of the little things a lot recently.
i haven't returned to my corner table, but i did buy an adorable espresso maker yesterday afternoon.
its a stovetop espresso maker, but not that Italian style..its black cast iron with a red cast iron top and it has two little spouts that shoot the espresso into two little white mugs. it kind of reminds me of a little iron stove...realy...the look of it.
i'll have to buy some espresso beans soon

picking up my guitar again makes me want to learn more..get good calouses...keep them good...keep playing...try my hand at an electric
some of this stuff i am trying to play just doesn't sound right on acoustic
added to the fact that i still suck at strumming
i know, i takes some working

my fingers are feeling it

Thursday, May 23, 2002

i just remembered that i mentioned a few entries back about my dream for an all a's trimester
turns out i got 4 A's, 2 B's, and 2 P's (the P's wouldn't have been A's in any light..pass or fail)
i'm happy with those, though
disapointed in mysefl about one B, though
Dr Browning called me the last day of school to find out if i'd turned in my 2nd article review
i hadn't
i thought it was going to count as 3 or 4 days late..making it a D..but he said because my absences were "excused" that it would have been only a B!
thats where that B final grade fits in
the other is hymnology..which turned out to be a pretty butt-hard i'm still standing proud in my B. its probably the highest grade in the class:)
speaking if classes...the summer class i'm taking..biology I...
i'm taking it at a community college. i had no idea it was going to be as easy as it seems this far.
of course, i've only gone once...we'll see
the teacher is adjuct..and normally teaches high school science. she keeps the class at what seems to be that level
i think i can handle highschool level bio..yeah
the back wall of the class room has a mural on it

thats all i have to say about that
"post to from the corner table"
yeah..that reads very oddly
its what the heading in my blogger says as i type this

for the first time ever
...i sat down not knowing at all what i'm going to say
well..i've not known what to say before
but for the first time ever
i've sat down at THIS and not known what to say.
i felt the need to pour something into an entry
...this is that something

when i woke up today the clock read 12:52
yesterday it was 12:30
if this keeps up, by next week i'll be rising at 3:30 or 4:00
but that wont happen
i start a semi-job one week from today

new things always scare me
i worry about not measureing up to what is expected
i worry about schedules not working
i worry about the responsibility
i worry about what people will think of me

i dont think i used to worry like this all
i remember being the girl with no worries
and the girl who never cried
i graduated
moved to college
the tears began to flow
the stress rolled in
and the worries hang above me

not that i'm an endless string of worry or anything
i'm realy still pretty carefree
but i do have worries
perhaps its only because i now have more responsibility than i had three years ago
one is expected to have at least a little bit more on her mind, right?

i dont know what else to say
*awkward silence ensues*
(how can you have an awkward silence with a journal?)

-my sisters are adorable
i get to see them this saturday
-i'm going to write wendy a bunch of letters this summer
-i wish i had a good place to put this picture of me and skot
-this blog is not at all what i first imagined it to become
its funny how things like this take on a direction of their own
-i've felt pretty silent lately
i'm sorry...i realy do love you guys...i just dont have much to say
my mind doesn't know what to think..much less say to real people
-i think i'm at some type of transition
...i dont know what that means
i dont know why i said it
i dont know what comes next
do i ever know?

Wednesday, May 15, 2002

dear coffee shop,
i haven't graced your door in a very long time...yet, i dont realy miss you much. i thought we had something special. perhaps we did...however, i feel i have moved on now. i have to admit, i think about you everytime i pass your way..but i never come in. i will never forget those quiet afternoons when i was embraced by your warmth as i drank in your goodness. i gave a so much to you with so much returned to me. you brought out good things in me which i'd forgotten. you were my solace. what if one day i decide that i just have to have one more taste. would you take me back if i came running to your door? I promise, i will never forget you. maybe someday we will need one another again.
love, your coffee girl

Saturday, April 27, 2002

i haven't updated this thing in a long long while.
(excuse no.1)i've been really busy.
(excuse no.2)i did try to post an update not too long ago..and it got lost between clicking submit and taking me to the finished result
(excuse no.3)i haven't been to my table in a long long time

okay..i'll just say..i've been very busy this spring. it seems that in my life "spring" is synonymous with "busy"
i told skot to not let me get so busy next spring..but he..knowing me as he does...acknowledged that i wouldn't listen to him anyhow..i like being super-busy.
but this time i may have gotten out of hand with my business....i've got two late assignments to complete this was due last monday, the other was due thursday. i think i made myself sick with stress over NATS this weekend. at the beginning of the seemed easy..these last few weeks have been murderous to me. but i can count the remaining days on my fingers. praise God. i just hope i can get the motivation and energy and time to complete everything.

i may have screwed up my hopes for an all A's trimester...i dont know where i got the idea to strive for that, anyhow. i've never been one to *try* to get great grades. i've always just accepted whatever i get. usually one B and the rest A's. but for some reason i got this crazy notion this year that i was going to not get that B this time. it doesn't matter. its not going to hurt me to have a B. but for some reason i wanted A's across the board....i dont understand myself.

to two unnamed people: i am not a soprano. you dont know me. don't tell me i am. ps-you suck. i promise, i'm not trying to be bitter about this.

i neeeeed a job this summer...
i neeed to get my tail in gear and get into summer school...
WHY am i so behind in all of these important things?

i feel pretty scummy right now....
add to that the fact that my throat hurts and i am exausted...

Friday, March 01, 2002 car just died again....ARG!
and i JUST got home from the coffee shop...
at least i was able to get there and back before it died again
i think it's jealous of my table
my table is this is "from near the corner table"

It feels good to be back. I thought about mentioning to the girl who works here how i have not been around in a long time because of school and car problems...but i didn't want to freak her out making her think i'm stalking her or something. (i found out today her name is Meghan..but i promise, i'm not stalking her..that would just be strange.)

The people at the (my!) corner table are discussing the idea of barcodes in hands as identification..and the possible locations of Ben Laden. At the table: a boy about 18-20, his father probably around 45, and his grandmother in her later 60's i suppose. They are kind of strange...i deem them so. You can absolutely tell by their conversation that they are related.

I don't like to talk politics. "What will be will be." as Kelley Anne says.

Cold chai tastes exactly like hot chai, only it's cold with ice cubes instead of hot with froth.

The grandma says she's going to call CNN and tell them that ben Laden is in Miami. She's sure of it.
I've never heard any group of people become this excited about media crap and Ben Laden...sheesh.
Personaly, i enjoy my bubble of oblivion.

No choir now i must figure out what to do for spring break. It would have been nice to have been able to plan in advance....again i say...sheesh

I wonder where that guy was from...?
He was talking about needing a work visa. He barely had a foriegn accent..and wasn't here long enough for me to get an idea of where it was from. Maybe he'll come in again next time I'm here.Maybe he'll talk more...

She (the grandmother) is a funny little woman. I like grandmothers.

Dreads! I don't see much of those around here. He's a regular. Known by his drink. He knows Meghan's name (that's how I know her name) He knows the other regulars, too. (a few come in shortly after he gets his drink) Slow rainy day...but the door is constantly swinging. Where did all of these "regulars" whom I've never seen come from? I'm so out...
I wish I had more time for this. I think I'll continue the Friday afternoon tradition. I like these regulars I've seen.
Dreads guy composed a quick poem to a few of his "regular" friends as he walked out the door.
He's got joy. I wonder how deep it goes...

Wednesday, February 20, 2002


my dream is to open a coffee shop

my tallent is in music

God has me as a church music major

i dont know why.

i want to pursue the coffee shop thing as soon as i can

but as long as i'm in school..i dont really have time to do much work in coffee

i'm stuck...

i'm tired of being stuck.

what do i do?

Saturday, February 09, 2002

i tried Earl Grey tea for the first time tonight
i dont know why i waited so long
tea is my newest door to another me
the me that reads articles
the me that thinks seriously
the me that has opened eyes
the me that has real conversations
and sees real people
i hope

Thursday, February 07, 2002

i want to go to the coffee shop again
but my car has pms
i almost feel as though i should call in to let them know i miss being there
maybe i have an illness

why is it that you always feel the most issolated and trapped when you know you cannot go anywhere on your own?
i went again today
with every intention to talk to her about a job
but i chickened out
the timeing was off.
seems that she just hired
"a darling young woman named lacy."
i was a day too late.
i have not given up.
i'll just sit in my corner
and watch them train lacy. the time i get back from break
she'll be well on her way to professional coffee girl
and i'll be in the corner drinking chai
without a job
without that in.
i'll be oustide
and my dream will be still out of grasp.
"get in the sink"
3:54pm, february 4, 2002
the smile boy sounds like chuck. i wonder where he's from. he's kind, cares about the people that come here everyday. he's involved in their lives.
the old man reminds me of granddaddy. he's talking about computer problems to smile boy.
the french lady reminds me of sylvie. not just because she's french. she seems to be very devoted to learning, just like sylvie was. she knows how to be studious in comfortable places.
(i wish i could have worded that better)
the ellevator makes me feel as though i am part of this place...but also as though none of it is real. that is so strange.
i over romanticize everything.
stop: study're absolutely hopeless!
the french lady and the english major are in a discussion about anthropology.
these people are so incredibly diverse and friendly.
the french lady is afraid of her phone ring! (perhaps she has coffee a bit too often?)