Tuesday, January 28, 2003

oh no!
sunday night i was looking at hottopic's clerance page..and i had found the *perfect* shoes to go with my recital dress. i ordered them..but today i got an email that said they have sold out of those..drat! they were satin mary jane slippers! :(
oh well.
such is the disapointment of a me.
i dont know why i am still awake..i've only got to get up again in like..5 hours.
of course..i can never just put down my homework or reading for class and go straight to bed...i have to clear my head with half-brained internet time..at least thirty minutes.
its realy sad...because this is what i used to read books for. to clear my head before falling asleep. i claim not to have any time for personal reading...and the reason is..becuase i use this box instead. oh well.

did you know that in the 1920's the German mark was so low from inflation that it was cheaper to burn the marks themselves as kindling than to go out and buy kindling to start a stove with? dang...
thats what i learned in my studying for history tonight.

on that, i will go to sleep...knowing and thankful that it is more satisfying to buy bread with my dollar than to eat the dollar.

Thursday, January 23, 2003

hey you-yes, you.
the person who's probably never going to read this-
get out of my head.
you interfere with my day-to-day thoughts and cause me to turn and look over my shoulder just to see if you're there as i'm walking home.
stop it!
you know i cannot afford to go
Dr wheeler was talking about the germany tour again...guh!
everytime he talks about that in history class, he looks right at me and says that spots are still available but are going fast.
he watches me melt with the longing to go see everything that tour offers
he's calling it the freaking Music Tour for goodness sakes!
i do not have 3000 dollars.
i cannot go
he had better not die before i make enough money to go on one of those tours with him.

Saturday, January 18, 2003

i'm going to ramble now.

this is so strange.
i am seriously feeling as though i'm going through some silver-lined withdrawl. my internet quota doesnt feel complete if i cannot check on all of my regularly visited sites each day.

for some reason i was awake till roughly 5 am last night (this morning)
i could try to blame this on silver-lined being down and causeing me to feel as though i couldnt leave till i had found out it was alright.
but then,of course, i was watching a movie till 2, and then started talking via vagrant private messages to an old friend..and those are always slower than normal conversations..so the little bit of catching up we did took about 10 times longer than it would have in a normal situation.

once you've stayed up till 3 or 3:30 already...you figure whats the point of rushing off to bed..so you stay up a bit longer..and then it gets to be 4..and then 4:30..and you realise that no one is going to add any new posts or replies to the forums and that silver-lined is not comming back within the next few hours..and you are convinced that the computer cheats at all games...so you turn in.
but then, just before you drift to sleep, you feel compeled to journal with a pencil and paper via a tiny reading light so as not to wake the roommates. The urge is so strong and the matter seems so very important that you pull yourself from the bed, find your journal, and start making a list that you've never been able to make before. reaching the end of the flow of consciousness...you drift off to sleep, pencil in hand, book light still on.
silver-lined is not loading. this makes me sad.

dear silver-lined.com,
please get well soon. i miss
your beautiful color schemes
and your charming ways.
You are theraputic to my
being. You are my
eddification. I hope we will
soon be together again.
love, becca

Wednesday, January 15, 2003

With fear and trembling

This word evokes a sense of fear in most
fear of being caught
taken from the unknown
loss of control
removed from one’s position

some tremble at the thought of surrender
not out of fright
but as a bride trembles
awaiting the moment she can enter the sanctuary
and approach her beaming groom
some tremble as the loved awaits the arrival of the lover
we tremble in anticipation
anticipation of the beauty that is found
in the very hand of God

to surrender
God does not trap us in surrender to his leading
surrender is a voluntary act
though it is commanded to be done
the surrenderer must choose to obey
or by a forced struggle..and perhaps hurt
be convinced that surrender is
the only way out
the only way to real safety and freedom