Friday, February 27, 2004

i saw snow falling today for the 2nd time ever in life!!!

tonight while i was at work it was raining and then the rain became icey rain and then that became sleet and im certain that snow was falling in large chunks
but it stopped after a short time..and was too wet to be now we've got ice patches all over the yard and a deck full of ice and my car's roof is all ice.

i get so child-like about snow...i kept staring out the windows of the coffee shop and opening the back door to watch the snow fall.
i realy hoped some would stick around and fill the ground and let me play.

i did make a tiny snowman on the table on our back deck when i got home a few minutes ago....i've also been drawing smiley faces in the ice everywhere..hehee

Thursday, February 26, 2004

im "reading" too many books and not focusing on or finishing enough of them. my mind needs to wake up.
today i returned to some i never finished last year...the texts from dr winters' music and worship class. i've been meaning to go back and finish those ever since that class ended...but always had something else i also "needed" to read. since becomming a part of the "worship team" spawned from my sunday school class and the Redeemers House church (mission of first pres augusta) i've had worship thoughts in my mind often..but i've let so much fade into a post-graduation fog that i can't properly share what i've "learned" from my classes with those around me. i feel compeled now to read these books only so that i can refresh my intelect in what i claim i'm learned in..and then pass these books into the hands of others in the group...i cant pass on the information until i've taken some for myself again, you see...and i cant let my degeree remain useless when it could be so useful here. (stewardship?)
all that ramble spoken..i must go get ready for an afternoon and evening as a coffee girl.

Monday, February 23, 2004

hey, good news! i have a friend, and his name is michael. good to know you a little again. thanks.

Saturday, February 21, 2004

nothing to see here. move along.

Wednesday, February 18, 2004

i'm starting to feel a little...ehh....stuck. maybe "bottled" is a good word for it. so much seems to be going on in the lives of those around me that my own thoughts can't find themselves within the swim of things in my head. there's a little voice inside of me that says "let me out! let me scream! let me be seen!" and it gets shrouded by all the other doings in my life..the settling, the being, the living moving on-ing...
the times that i honestly feel at a perfect point to sit down and process things, i find myself in the complete wrong circumstance to let myself...because i'm in the middle of a ladies bible study or serving lattes or waiting to learn how to change the oil in my car....
i cant even comprehend all that has happened to the inhabitants of my house in the last month...even two weeks. its not just own circumstances seem to pale in comparisson to the ups and downs i've seen my housemates struggle through...and that is the beginning of my unprocessedness.
i so want to be there for help give all i can..i'm the server..its what makes me happiest. but in being happy, i turn around and see that little girl with that little voice who was screaming at the start of this message and i dont know what to say to her..and i dont know how to help her..and i let a few tears fall, wipe them away, then quickly move on to the next checkpoint.
and it seems like nothing is now. everything is then or completely uncertain.
the friends i'd love to call from my past remind me that i'm not then, i live now..and that what they live and what i live are in two different worlds, almost. i'm strugling between the people who are just getting to know me and those who used to know me and have missed getting to in the recent months. both sides hurt because neither know me.
i suppose its part of living in this fallen world..the longing to have the sort of relationship where someone knows me completely is my longing for closeness with my walk in the garden with him and know that he knows everything i've done and everything i'll do and loves me because of that and isn't going to let go of me.
why does knowing that not help me feel less lonely?

Monday, February 09, 2004

the good news continues! (though i kind of left the other bad news
last night i backed into a parked car while leaving church and did some damage to my rear end..the hatchback closes but doesnt latch anymore..and the right tail light is completely smashed. i backed into an '03 f150...the bumper of death on that thing was barely scratched, but it ate my car up nicely. tomorrow my brother is gonna call around to try and find a tail light for me and maybe try to hammer the rear back into shape so it will at least latch. if i get it fixed at a body shop just the light getting fixed would cost over $300. so...yeah.
regardless of everything...i've realy been having pretty enjoyable days recently..and learning a lot..and i think i've grown a little through it...and i'm surrounded by blessings in people form.
tonight's blessings are named catherine and christina. we are watching strongbad emails together. sister bonding, ya know.

much love

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

i know that in the end i'll be okay...but it doesnt mean i have to enjoy the process....
thankfully, there is quite a cloud cover today and i've found arms that hug me.