Tuesday, July 23, 2002

i was reading through my journal last night...its funny how i go back and forth between feeling like i live in the future too much with all of my planning,
so i stop thinking about the future for a while.
then i start feeling like i need to make some plans in order to get things accomplished

its realy realy hard to find the balance between preparing for the future, and trusting that God will guide me in the right direction.

does trust mean that i just sit back and watch things fall into place?
How much planning am i supposed to let myself do?
its so hard..becuase in my past experiences..
most of the times i've tried to plan for what's comming, it changes before i get there.

And there are times when i am certain that i want something, so i go for it. i count on that happening.
then it falls away and i'm left to second guess everything i feel sure of.

such as...the coffee shop thing.
do i *realy* want to do this?
do i *realy* have what it takes in me?
do i have the ambition to stick with it even when things seem like they aren't going anywhere?
is it from God, or is it just a dream i've invented and convinced myself to be a reality?
why the heck am i getting a degree in church music?
what do i know about small buisinesses? (i know the answer to that one....*nothing*)

somedays i see all of this in me.
some days it all seems to make sense according to the way i've seen God work in my life and those around me before.
but some days i wonder if i'm just fooling msyelf into thinking this day dream could become reality.

i dont want to go into this with my eyes shut.
i dont want to do anything with my eyes shut.
so i'm sitting here wide-eyed and terrified...though i still can't see.

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