please reassure me that dreams do not have to honestly reflect any reality at all.
i had a dream last night that greatly disturbed me.
i know that the actual happenings of the dream would never happen...
but i dont want to even believe the underlying meanings it could have.
it was so strange..and so unlike anything i'd ever think of..
and the fact that it involved someone i used to know...

the kind of dream you dont forget even when you want to.

i was reading through my journal last night...its funny how i go back and forth between feeling like i live in the future too much with all of my planning,
so i stop thinking about the future for a while.
then i start feeling like i need to make some plans in order to get things accomplished

its realy realy hard to find the balance between preparing for the future, and trusting that God will guide me in the right direction.

does trust mean that i just sit back and watch things fall into place?
How much planning am i supposed to let myself do?
its so hard..becuase in my past experiences..
most of the times i've tried to plan for what's comming, it changes before i get there.

And there are times when i am certain that i want something, so i go for it. i count on that happening.
then it falls away and i'm left to second guess everything i feel sure of.

such as...the coffee shop thing.
do i *realy* want to do this?
do i *realy* have what it takes in me?
do i have the ambition to stick with it even when things seem like they aren't going anywhere?
is it from God, or is it just a dream i've invented and convinced myself to be a reality?
why the heck am i getting a degree in church music?
what do i know about small buisinesses? (i know the answer to that one....*nothing*)

somedays i see all of this in me.
some days it all seems to make sense according to the way i've seen God work in my life and those around me before.
but some days i wonder if i'm just fooling msyelf into thinking this day dream could become reality.

i dont want to go into this with my eyes shut.
i dont want to do anything with my eyes shut.
so i'm sitting here wide-eyed and terrified...though i still can't see.

also...pretty much unrelated to the previous entry...
have i ever mentioned that i'm terrified of what is in front of me?
maybe its not realy there....
maybe i'm only seeing things...

with all of the temporary relationships in the world...
how does one know when they've found a permenant one?

its definately time for some coffee and "away with myself" time

if it weren't for the few people whom i desperately long to stay in touch with, i would probably use a lot less of this aweful machine known as a computer.

ah...to live in simpler times in a much smaller world

for some reason my blog isn't acting completely normal
i'm gonna ignore it, though

i dont know why..but for some reason tonight i got the urge to do a search for appartments.
i looked for ones in new orleans...
i looked for ones in hattiesburg....
i even looked for some in st louis (i fell in love with some there..but only on the internet ;))

i *realy* have a longing to live by myself for at least a little while.
i graduate in one year.
so i guess i wanted to get an idea of how much it would cost me to live alone once i get out.
i figure if i can find a full time job, or a couple of part times ones where ever i end up living..i should be able to easily afford this.

this is only my attempt at planning some of my life...knowing my life as i do...it could end up completely differant...as it usually does.

me: i'm realy tired..and am having a hard time focusing on anything for very long with much understanding...its annoying
me: i shoulda gone to bed earlier last night
me: i started to paint another picture when i got back from church tonight..but after i got a few parts of it done i completely lost interest in it and started just throwing drops of water and paint on it...
skot: yay
me: it was supposed to be a picture of my coffee house, it ended up having a person in the middle of it..who eventually got a gun in their hand...and i scrawled "i need coffee" across the whole picutre in two different colors
me: and everything is smeared because i didnt do it slow and let it dry..and becuase i plattered water on it
me: its odd
me: my annalysis: i am tired.
me: i bet a psychologist would say it had some deeper meaning
skot: you're angry at life and you want life to go bake you a death.
skot: or a banana.
me: ha
skot: and a straw with a lemon on both ends.
skot: what do you think its meaning is?
skot: is it an omen?
me: no..it means i got too tired to think about what my coffee shop looks like, so i started painting a person in the midddle of it all and their hand smudged with some black and it looked gun-like..and then in a tired rant i went nuts seeing what splattered water would do..and then i ended the nutty rave
skot: so this is a painting of the instant just after someone shot himself.
me: the gun is pointed towards the counter...so its just after he shot the coffee girl
me: oooooo i know! it means i'm scared to death of my coffee shop
skot: maybe it means you were messy with paint today and smudged some black

(this is my longest blog entry ever)

i bought a bound brown lineless journal just before leaving for missouri/nebraska.
all week long i was pretty good about keeping track of my thoughts with it.
here are some excerpts......and some additions
--------------------------------
St Louis, June 26-July 1, 2002

Wednesday-
Getting there:
*MPR-Morning Edition
*Rich Mullens-Songs
*Chaos Is The Poetry
*Pedro The Lion-Winners Never Quit
*Billy Joel
*Caedmon's Call

passed through: Mississippi, Tennessee, Arkansas, Holland, Missouri, Madrid, New Orleans
(inn), Charleston, Scott City and Scott Count, We Passed England, the Twin Cities, Maryland,
St. Charles, St. Ann, and Accidently went to Illinois!

shortly after our arrival at the Harris home, we went to Boarders where i bought a chai latte. a
cashier told us that it is a great idea to buy postcards to frame of send to people (she is so
smart...)

thursday-
the basement is always very dark.
we went to downtown...i saw a Jones Soda Co. Bus! (that photo is definitely going to be sent to
the jones folks)
we went to the arch..i got a great pic of nick standing near it...i’ll scan it some day.
Fer had to get some rest so she could work @ Target all night. I passed the time by sitting on the
garden swing in the harris' backyard. I got a pic of the bunny, and a few of the lovely sunset. I
also wrote a couple of postcards. (when i was a kid i was one of a the few who never bought and
sent postcards...look at me now?)

friday-
We originally planned on finding Forrest Park, going to the museum, possibly the zoo. we ended
up a The Loop instead:). I am in LOVE with the University City area. it's marvelous! beautiful
old houses/buildings. I'd love to own one and put a coffee shop in the bottom half. the area is
perfect for that sort of thing. In The Loop we went to Vintage Vinyl, where i bought Brave St.
Saturn and fer bought Quayle and two random CDs. Next we went to a hippy store just like
beautiful day, but with not music and no waterbeds. Nick bought some incense. on our way back
to the car we passed a little flower shop which sold little stalks of bamboo..nick had to get some
of that for his plant collection, too.

saturday-
We had a wonderful afternoon hanging out with Tim(Coco) We met at Faust Park, where we
went to the butterfly house, walked around the park, watched a man make a chain link...
after deciding to find someplace indoors to talk, we found out from a grocery store cashier that
the only coffee shops nearby were Starbucks...so we went to the nearest one, ordered some
drinks, and sat down to talk for a good three or four hours. Its rare that you come across truly
good conversations. I believe that in those hours, we had our share of them. We talked about life,
the church, where we're going...good stuff. Tim told me about a book i should read if i really
want to pursue my self-owned coffee shop. I'm looking into it.
Around nine, tim had to leave. fer, nick, and i went to the store to buy film and Jones Sodas.
(plus other indie drinks)

sunday-
(i can't believe anyone would have read this far...)
church day--patriotic canned music & cheesy overhead pictures. I'm sorry..but no..I’m really not.
oh well.
(i bet that doesn’t make sense)
its okay, though..the evening made up for it....we went with fer to her handchime practice, where
she teaches 7 little girls. its sooo wonderful:) the littlest one is named Sarah and she reminds me
of a little 3rd grade Shanna Carey. (beware!)
Later we went to Creve Cour Park where i stepped in a hole and one of my sandals broke, so i
had to walk around with one shoe off the whole time. it was particularly challenging when
crossing the gravel parking lots...
At the swing set we met a Hispanic family from Texas (in town visiting friends as well) The 2nd
youngest child is the most beautiful little girl i have ever seen. i so badly wanted to photograph
her, but couldn't think of the proper way to ask a stranger for something like that.
We left the park, detoured by fer's house so i could put on shoes, then went shopping for more
sandals at my insistence (because i just could *not* spend a whole week wearing socks and
shoes!)
"Hey you, the kid is back, and i do declare that the sun is shining."

Omaha, NE July 1-5, 2002
monday-
playlist:
*90.7FM Morning Edition
*Miles Davis-Round About Midnight
*U2-Auchland Baby
*Rich Mullens0Songs

been through: Louisiana, Mexico, Montgomery, Kansas City, Mexico City, Savannah, Oregon,
Oak Grove, Iowa, Hamburg, and Omaha, Nebraska
(Iowa and Nebraska being my first time in each)
2:20 pm, somewhere in northern Missouri in I-29: are these plains? The trees are so few. (shortly
after i wrote this, nick commented on how fewer the trees were in lodgepole when he was
there..geeze..I’d hate that)

When we arrived in Bellevue a lot earlier than planned (around 4 or 4:30...really) Becky was at
work..so we were given the tour of the house and talked to her sister and bro-in-law for a while.
when becky gets home around 7:30 the three of us left for the Pedro show...which..turned
out...didn't even start till 9! we sat on the sidewalk and talked...joel showed up...the doors
opened.. vagrants at the show: of course..nick, myself, becky, and Joel, kellyanne, Jenni, ryan,
Jesse, and Jill. The first two bands were all right. i don’t even know the first ones name..the
other was roadside monument..whom some people love..I’d never heard before this
show..though..and its really hard for me to get into bands i don’t know at a show when I’m
looking forward to one already. (However, i found myself paying a lot more attention to the
guitarists than i used to. i was trying to edge around to see his hands and stuff. maybe I’ve got it
in me. maybe i only play around..i don’t know.) For some reason i had this bitterness in my head
and heart through most of the first two bands...so In between Roadside and Pedro's sets, i sat on
the floor, brought out my journal, and vented...it was good..and it helped me clear my head of
some really hurtful thoughts i was having towards myself. but anyhow...
pedro's set was great..i bought the new album..yay. heh..when i told scott, he said "he plays that
really depressing music..right?" or something along those lines. and yeah..he's right. but i love it.
its funny how that was the one set i *didn't* feel depressed during at all...quite the opposite.
music is so strange and powerful...

tuesday-
This morning we went to the zoo to see the desert dome which we'd seen so much about in signs
on the way to nebraska...however, it wasn't that great...just large..empty..yet full of people. The
penguins in the aquarium were *wonderful* I've never seen such a great penguin exhibit before.
the ones in new orleans always looks kind of dirty and sickish. they even had penguins in an
outdoor exhibit in the grass! (Australian penguins)
After the zoo, becky told us we had a surprise and had to be there by 12:15, she brought us
across town where we met carole at Fazoli's for lunch of pasta, breadsticks, and salads, yay and
yummy. i had hoped all along that our surprise would involve carole snow:) i like her.
Becky and carole both had to work in the afternoon, so nick and i explored omaha on our own a
little.
After Beck got home from work, we met Jillian at Zio's pizza in the Old Market. I didnt think the
pizza was that great, but thats quite alright. we walked around the old market, but all the shops
were closed. they showed us the infamous Passageway(which liz told me i MUST see) and then
we went to the park with the huuuge fountain. i love the fountain. i love hanging out with jill and
walking around that park. i love the large slides (though you couldn't tell from watching me go
down it that one time...)

wednesday-
(i stopped journaling at this point..so i hope i don’t leave anything out...)
nick and i went back to the old market in order to actually go in some stores when they were
open, becky had to work. On the way back to beckys, i made nick stop at a building I’d seen so i
could take a picture of it. on the front of it in white brick it says "timmermann, est. 1924" its
interesting...i wonder if it has anything at all to do with any relatives of mine..and i wonder if i
will ever know.
we went to an Omaha Royals baseball game..mostly for the huge fireworks show at the end. and
GOSh it was huge. it compared nicely to the fireworks i saw in D.C. on the 4th, in '98.
After the game we went to walmart with becky and her mom, i bought 8 postcards, schlotzy's
salt and vinegar chips, and peppermint skittles.

thursday-
Independence day..and becky's day off!
we went back to the zoo to see the rain Forrest..i loved it:) monkeys and lemurs are my new
friends...and the penguins...yes
it rained today, so we weren't able to go to Shakespear on the Green like we had planned on..but
thats alright, we hung out with Carole Snow again, instead. She drove us around town a little
aimlessly..then we wound up at Super Target (pronounced by carole: "Tar-jay"..as if it were
french or something) we helped her pick out p-jammas and a blankie so she could go to
"i-Oh-wa" city.
the fireworks in Bellevue are amazing and scarey...so many.. lots of smoke.
my favorite part of the night was watching/listening as carole played my guitar.
(darn trevor and his "early to bed early to rise" life...)

friday and Saturday-
we left omaha Friday at about 11:30, stayed overnight with the harris' again, had ice cream with
fer.
left st louis at noon on Saturday..the afternoon was HOT but we made it anyhow. Its probably
best that way stayed so much later in st louis or we'd have had even longer in the hotter part of
the day..and less in the night time for our drive.

things that reminded me of cornerstone trips:
1. lunch at backyard burger in southhaven, MS
2. 3:40pm...we stopped at the "I’m a hobo" gas station
3. when we turned onto fer's street "there was a bunny"
4. sleeping on an air mattress all week
5. $3.99 used cd's
6. hippy stores
7. meeting vagrants
8. meeting other diverse people
9. the pedro show
10. spraying really stinky clothes with fabreeze so they wouldnt be so rank when i got them
home
11. vender food
12. feeling grossly hot on the way home

anyhow..if you read all of this i am still amazed...
I’m glad to have had the trip..I’m glad to be home again. i don’t know what next summer will
take me to.

(can you believe that i started typing this when i posted the previous entry? sheesh...over an hour
ago)

well...i'm back now
its funny that i went to church with nick this morning...because a few minutes ago i went out to my car to go to the evening service at my church..and my car wont start. thats what i get for leaving it alone for two weeks.
it would be nice to be able to count on my car.
all afternoon i knew i was either not going to be able to get to church, or i was going to have to find a ride home.
i knew my car was going to do this. funny that way