it amazes me how easy it is to waste a day away doing unimportant things. it also amazes me how much one can fill a day with that seems at least a little bit more important. thats what this week has been about.

i'm sort of back but mostly not.
before i took this break, i came to realise that i spend entirely too much time reading about life through the internet instead of living life.
i talk about how i've wanted to read certain books or write more or play music more or know people more...instead of going out and doing it.
this past week i let those tables turn and i learned that even when i allow myself to enjoy these things instead of only wasting time talking about them, i still cant find enough time for all of them. and even then, i let these rarely experienced things take the time slots of even greater treasures...like studying scriptures or realy experiencing personal prayer.
i've been using this time to reawaken my love for creativity, for thought, for expression, for order in my life.
my room is becomming clean and my bed has been made almost daily, i'm starting to actually read books again that i've looked at on the shelf for months, i've been writing and playing my guitar frequently, I've been considering scriptures and thinking about them throughout the day, i've been spending time with people whom i cherish and talking about struggles and joys and frustrations. i even ballanced my checkbook this afternoon.
I miss using the internet to connect with friends i've lost any other form of direct contact to...but more than that, i miss the life it took from me. I've lost too much, missed too much, forgotten too much.
So now I'm making up for lost time.

I must now sleep before life begins again tomorrow.
tell me about your days (coffeegirl@silver-lined.com)

i've decided that i need to get away from this thing for a while (the computer in general)

i havent taken an internet fast in years...and i have a lot more in my life i want to spend time on.

i'll be back in some days..maybe a week. i dunno.

i'll still be around for email..because if i dont check that the junk mail fills the box entirely.

peace,
becca

not too long ago i pulled out some old family albums here at my grandmother's house and looked at pictures from before this house was built and its being built and how my mom's family looked then. since looking at those pictures, ive been able to see that same woman in my grandmother now. sometimes when she talks to me i see the sparkle of that 30-something year old mother/wife. the longer i stay here the better i get to know that part of her, under the grandmother parts. the part that is the same exact person she was then. it makes me wish i could look through family albums of every older person i've known in order to get to know them as they were and still are..regardless of age.

tomato soup:

dear haley,
please tell your mother that i am forever thankful to her for introducing me to tomato soup and its goodness. i've found tomato soup and cheese sandwiches to help get me through otherwise eventless days with a sense of contentment.
love and nutrient-filled,
becca

(i already posted this on a couple of forums...but i wanted to stick it here so i could keep my own copy of the accounts. who knows..maybe someone who didnt see it there will see it here and either: a. be scared of me, or b. feel less alone. *shrugs*)

Sunday, October 12
on knowing things will happen...

i dunno..this happens to me rather often..its actualy very frustrating to me because i havent a clue *why* i get to know these things.

example from the past:
my 2nd year of all state choir, previous to its start that week fer and i were in the mall in alexandria and i had this gut feeling that we'd see chet maynard that day in the mall. i just *knew* it would happen. i told fer of this and so we kept our eyes pealed for him. it got to be almost the time to leave and who did we run into? chet. yup. there he was in the mall while we were there..so of course, we spoke to him and he was buying stuff for the all state trip.

example from today:
this afternoon i went down to the riverwalk park in augusta to write in my journal for a while (i've felt litterarily dry lately..is that a word?) i had that gut feeling again...this time i just *knew* that i was gonna see Miles Kilpatrick today by the river. it was realy strange..because i hardly know Miles..he came to a show one weekend at the coffee shop and he played in the coffee shop this past fri and sat nights...those are realy the only encounters ive had with him. but anyhow, i just felt like i'd see him today. i stayed there on my bench by the river for over and hour and got a lot of writing out of my system..i wasnt just hanging around waiting on my prediction to come true..but never saw the kid, so i shruged it off as paranioa or some strange guitar-player obsession i'd acquired. later this evening i still felt the need to get off and be by myself to read and write, so i went to the south carolina side of the river to the fishing piers at riverview park. I go there a good bit to be alone and enjoy to water view. i'd hardly gotten settled on the bench on the little pier before i hear someone walking down the path and guess what? it was Miles and a friend of his. i looked at him rather surprised..he may have misread the expression as disturbed..i hope not. he came over and gave me a hug and then left me to my reading...but what the heck?

i dunno..these known runins never hold much value or depth..its just "oh, look, i ran into the person i knew i'd see today..now what?" thats whats so frustrating...WHY does god let me know whats going to happen if there's not some purpose behind it? i started trying to formulate reasons for it while driving around town this evening and i thought maybe he's warming me up..teaching me to know when the gut feeling is real so some day he can tell me something realy important and i'll know its true because it will feel just like the feeling when i *know* i'm going to run into so-and-so-who-ive-not-seen-in-a-year or the-boy-ive-only-spoken-to-a-few-times. (hyphens are fun)

its kind of scary...does this happen to any of you kids?

further reminders that i dont belong in hattiesburg anymore: yesterday while looking up the warrenty info on my car battery at auto zone, i had to look at a business card in my wallet to get the city's zipcode.

on with the promised reflecting...

i was sooooo excited about my trip to hattiesburg. i dont know exactly what it was about going that i wanted so badly..but i just *needed* the trip. part of it was loneliness..part of it was closure..and part was just missing people i hadnt seen in months.

for starters...hanging out with michael on saturday was great..but it wasn't like "old times"..and i'm glad. i cant live in what used to be anymore and i am starting to understand that better. so...i'm letting things become new things instead of hanging onto the old. i think that is what my entire move to south carolina has been about...mainly...thus far.

the rest of the drive from mom and dads house to hattiesburg on saturday night i was overwhelemd with what this trip was going to do to me. i actually began to get scared that i'd want to stay once i got back there with my old friends. driving down highway 17 i started crying real tears over this fear of something that i didnt even know would or would not happen.

sunday night and monday morning spending time with people from school while they were at school made me realise more that i dont want to be back there and i'm absolutely certain that i wouldnt have wanted another year in college. there arent many people i related to left there anymore. people always rag me about how quickly i finished..some of the staff even try to say that i still belong there...but when you're ready to leave..you're ready.

monday night nick and i went to see skot and i honestly wasnt sure how that was going to go...we havent seen much of each other since last winter when we broke up. the visit was good, though. not overly awkward...its good to know that we're past that now. but it was strange not to hug him when we left...i'll admit that. though, it would have felt stranger to have actually done so. Its good to know that there is no hurt left there. (i hope its the same for you)

tuesday with haley and julie and alex was so much fun. it was great to get to spend real time with julie again and to get to know alex better. it was good to see for myself how well they are doing. scrabble with haley in java werks was nescesary and good...and almost felt like last year again...but neither of us belong in hattiesburg anymore..we fooled ourselves into thinking we lived there again for those couple of hours over coffee. but none of the friends i spent time with on tuesday seem to belong in hattiesburg anymore either...haley is gone, julie and alex may move, nick wants to leave for school, and i'm not there anymore either. the best day of my trip was the most proving.

so i'm moving on with this chapter of my life...and i'm going to learn from it more of who i am as just *me*...and i'm going to stretch myself..and i may be sometimes miserable...but i'm going to enjoy it all the same.

i had to get my car jumped again last night in order to come home from work. i also had to jump it to take it to auto zone...because it seemed a good idea to check that battery..ya know?
new car batteries help a lot!

in other news...
i added a couple of new music links in the sidebar..you ought to give them a listen. i like 'em.

i know i said i'd reflect..but not in this entry..later..most likely.

today we're talking about one thing: my car.

if you have been keeping up with the tale..or care to read back all the way to my first set of archives..you know that my car has often given me grief. the first week i had this blog account i remember posting about various breakdowns and such. many more posts have followed that week..and this is yet another...though less severe. sunday night i got in my car to drive to the WCC campus and...ta-da..it wouldnt turn the engine over. so i got in stephs car and called nick to get him to give it a try...of course, he called me back and had gotten it started 5 times with no problem. the next day i started it fine to drive it to the store. tuesday i didnt drive it at all. wednesday morning (yesterday, for those who can count) i got in my car to return to south carolina and...guh..again..no turn over. i went in to get nick to check it out. i said "come magically fix my car again, please?" so he came out and jumped my car from his and i was on the road. however, i noticed i only had a little over 1/4 tank of gas..so i knew i'd have to get some rather soon..i made it about 50-60 miles down the road before i filled up..and i made sure to go to a station with plenty of cars in case i needed to make use of one. (as they aren't fond of one leaving the car running while putting gas in it) to my surprise, little honda started up just fine after her tank was full..so we went on. about 50 miles later i needed lunch so i stoped and went into an arbys in meridian. i figured since: a. car had started fine after gas stop and b. there were plenty of people around to help and c. i was at this point in the trip the closest i'd be to where my folks live in case i needed backup...that this stop would be fine. i enjoied my roast beef and curly fries (dipped in a jamocha shake) and then went out to leave (praying a quick prayer as i went)...first attempt: no start. second attempt: no start. *pause* *head on the steering wheel..desperate plea for help to that creator i mumble to sometimes* third attempt: starts fine. (strange aint he?) at this point i decide i will not turn off my car again untill i'm in south carolina (except for the one more time i'll have to put gas in, of course) for all other stops i left it running and used my spare key to unlock the door.
i made it home fine and my car started just fine all of today as well. so strange.
another odd thing about my car is..the dashboard clock has not worked since i got the thing..with the exception of a few times it has randomly turned on (usually almost set to the correct time!?) usually ive notcied these random operational times occur somewhere near the days it acts up..like yesterday...i noticed a few times the clock on..it even stayed on long enough for me to go ahead and set it to the correct time. *shrugs* well, tonight after work it came on and stayed on till i got to walmart..then it was on again from walmart to home. it functioned like a perfectly normal clock..then when i turned into the driveway it quit again.
i dont get it....but i still love my little car.

just an update...
im in hattiesburg now.
i saw springstead on saturday.
hung out with drew and steph on sunday.
i saw a lot of WCC people yesterday.
nick and i hung out with skot last night.
haley is comming up to the 'burg today.
i hope to see julie and alex today too.
tomorrow i drive.
reflections will come later.