i did it
i moved my membership tonight
a few weeks ago the thought hit me that i could do it
that this could be a place for me
i've begun to get more invovled and to talk to people more
to invest a bit more in this church
this evening during the invitation i had this unbearable urge to go forward and join
and i knew that if i let that time pass and the service end without obeying that call...
it would be a mistake..and i would feel it
there is no doubt in my mind that this is the right place at the right time

it feels wonderful to know that i have not silenced God's word to my heart
sometimes it seems he's so quiet that maybe i've forgotten how to listen
and then he speaks perfectly clear
and i listen
and i cannot do anything but follow his direction

its strange, though
they got my address and phone number..
they took my picture
and then i was set free
no questions asked
i hope i'll hear from someone at the church during the week
i'd hate to think that they dont even ask about new members' beliefs or find out what their spiritual state is.
i know what my beliefs and state are.
i know that i'm saved
but i didnt tell them that
what if i'd been comming forward to find out about salvation?
they didnt even ask me

....still..this is where i belong....for now

ps...i got a lot of hugs :)

correction: new door is teal green
i'm still driving my car around with the old door bungeed and tied in place
i have to climb across from the passenger side
over the parking brake and the transmission shift thingy
its not very ladylike or graceful
it will be a couple of weeks before i can get home for daddy to put the new one on

what i've learned over the last 20 years....
my daddy can fix anything

he's in tuscaloosa buying me a new car door
its going to be WHITE
ha
mom says i should paint it in some abstract way

i think my brain is starting to think again...slowly
i need to change my daily routine to allow more time for it
i honestly dont let myself stop and think for any real period of time..as it stands now.

i remember when i used to set aside like 30 mintues to an hour each night for thinking
be it taking a walk
laying in the middle of my floor in the dark
hiding on my stairwell
i knew how to take time to think.
i need to do that again....starting...when?

i cant use my blog as my excuse. it takes maybe 15 minutes max to add to my blog.
and a lot of that is spent worrying with spelling and where i should break lines and what i should say next.
real thought doesn't flow that way.
i just need to ...go... and think
i will...i realy will
starting..tomorrow

(...nothing ever begins right now...)

so...i learned to paint..overnight?

yesterday i bought a set of cheap watercolors
and painted a couple of rainy pictures with trees and clouds and ground

tonight in church i began doodling this idea that i had..i dont have any recollection what the sermon was about, but i know i heard God's voice in there.
on the way home i bought some new paintbrushes so i could have various sizes
then i began trying to create what was comming together in my mind.

and what it has become is something i feel i shouldnt even put my name on...
do you know that feeling after you've written something...and you read over it a few times and wonder where the words came from?

i'll descirbe it as best i can...
the view is raised higher than a normal standing person would see.
it shows a room of grey concrete walls as one would find in a castle or medeival chapel and hardwood floors hade of boards about 8-10 inches wide.
the observer can see two of the walls in the view presented.
there is no furniture, only a stained glass window on one wall. (the wall in the right side of the painting)
the window is almost rectagular but with a vaulted top edge. it is a blue-green swirl color with a brown cross in the middle, a gold star at the top, and red marks at the ends of the side and bottom crossbeams.
about 5 or 6 figurative feet in front of the window there is a slim girl facing the window with her back to the observer's eye.
she is probably about 13 wearing a plain blue dress. she has black hair tied into a ponytail by a bow which matches her dress.
she is bearfoot on her knees, with a her hands held in front of her and one beginning to reach towards the cross.

i cant believe i did this.
the depth and emotion in this painting are not something i've ever seen or imagined my hands to create.