please reassure me that dreams do not have to honestly reflect any reality at all.
i had a dream last night that greatly disturbed me.
i know that the actual happenings of the dream would never happen...
but i dont want to even believe the underlying meanings it could have.
it was so strange..and so unlike anything i'd ever think of..
and the fact that it involved someone i used to know...

the kind of dream you dont forget even when you want to.

i was reading through my journal last night...its funny how i go back and forth between feeling like i live in the future too much with all of my planning,
so i stop thinking about the future for a while.
then i start feeling like i need to make some plans in order to get things accomplished

its realy realy hard to find the balance between preparing for the future, and trusting that God will guide me in the right direction.

does trust mean that i just sit back and watch things fall into place?
How much planning am i supposed to let myself do?
its so hard..becuase in my past experiences..
most of the times i've tried to plan for what's comming, it changes before i get there.

And there are times when i am certain that i want something, so i go for it. i count on that happening.
then it falls away and i'm left to second guess everything i feel sure of.

such as...the coffee shop thing.
do i *realy* want to do this?
do i *realy* have what it takes in me?
do i have the ambition to stick with it even when things seem like they aren't going anywhere?
is it from God, or is it just a dream i've invented and convinced myself to be a reality?
why the heck am i getting a degree in church music?
what do i know about small buisinesses? (i know the answer to that one....*nothing*)

somedays i see all of this in me.
some days it all seems to make sense according to the way i've seen God work in my life and those around me before.
but some days i wonder if i'm just fooling msyelf into thinking this day dream could become reality.

i dont want to go into this with my eyes shut.
i dont want to do anything with my eyes shut.
so i'm sitting here wide-eyed and terrified...though i still can't see.

also...pretty much unrelated to the previous entry...
have i ever mentioned that i'm terrified of what is in front of me?
maybe its not realy there....
maybe i'm only seeing things...

with all of the temporary relationships in the world...
how does one know when they've found a permenant one?

its definately time for some coffee and "away with myself" time

if it weren't for the few people whom i desperately long to stay in touch with, i would probably use a lot less of this aweful machine known as a computer.

ah...to live in simpler times in a much smaller world